tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60898258156182326652024-03-14T00:21:21.393-07:00From the Artist Formerly Known as InceAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-66408612880150547752018-04-08T07:45:00.000-07:002018-04-08T07:45:21.235-07:00Bunny Sex with the Peanut Butter Jar<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It had been a long day. It was all part of that messy middle
part of raising kids that fills the days of the middle-aged. Our family had
been working, running errands, doing chores, slogging through homework and
running back and forth to swim practice. Then, there was dinner, the prep, the cooking,
and the cleaning of it. Now, my husband and I wanted a respite before we
undertook the final push to bedtime—a wearying process of crabbing and cajoling
that never fails to frustrate and flummox. We had assembled American-family-style
in front of the TV for a few minutes of mind-numbing DVR downtime.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The show had lapsed into a commercial break. None of us could
remember who had the remote. So, we just let the carefully manipulative pitches
roll over us as we convalesced in our Lazy Boy comfort. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I barely noticed what we were watching. My eyes glazed over
as I plotted my most direct route to bed covers. Then, my subconscious
registered the familiar chords of Marvin Gaye’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Let’s Get it On.”</i> <o:p></o:p></div>
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The ad was for Easter candy. The screen showed a peanut
butter jar and a chocolate bunny inching closer to it. The music portends of a
coming together between the two objects that is NSFW. <o:p></o:p></div>
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My oldest children’s innocence is a ship long-since sailed,
carried away on the waves of an incomplete report given by one of my friend’s children,
with the gaps reluctantly filled by me. Comforted by the thought that this particular
commercial’s lusty undertones would sail over the head of my youngest, I smiled
at my youngest boy savoring his innocence and youth. <o:p></o:p></div>
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He was watching the screen with delight, a grin stretched
from ear to ear. I smiled, enjoying the fact that he was unaware of what was implied
by the activity on the screen. How wonderful it was to have a pure, innocent lamb,
who had no idea how smarmy the world was, who knew the Easter bunny was real,
and believed that babies were delivered by a stork. I was brimming with pride
at protecting his innocence so well thus far, wondering how long I would have
these moments with him before he discovered the truth. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As if he could read my mind, he turned to me, his eyes
twinkling with joy. My heart swelled with motherly pride…until I heard him say
with a hearty chuckle, “Bunny sex with a peanut butter jar! That’s funny!” <o:p></o:p></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-6689527491935227912017-02-21T05:00:00.000-08:002017-02-21T09:14:06.026-08:005 ESSENTIAL Things I Filled Out on Forms for Day Camp<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I once signed my kids up for summer day camp. Little did I know that in doing so, I surrendered nearly an hour of my life to form completion. Blissfully unaware of the impending task, I registered online, paid by credit card, and figured that would be that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Wrong.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As the start date approached, the camp director called looking for my kids' day camp packets. I didn't have the faintest idea what she was talking about. Packets? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yes, she explained, the packet of forms that she needed for each of my three children to attend day camp. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ah, yes, the forms. We were members. We had played soccer, basketball, and even took a kids yoga class through this facility. Each of these activities came with its own set of laborious forms. So, when I explained to her, I had already done them for our membership activities I figured that would be that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Wrong again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There were multitudinous additional forms needed specifically for Day Camp. I tried to protest but quickly understood the futility. No forms? No day camp. No day camp meant no time for quiet, focused work and instead meant kids interrupting me hour after hour, day after day, week after week while I tried to meet publication and client deadlines. I shuddered. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Without any other option, I downloaded the forms from the site and printed them. No, I couldn't do them online, and no, there isn't an app for that. I asked. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When the printer ran out of paper, I realized that the "packet" of forms might be better described as a "booklet" as the number of pages had already soared into the double digits. My initial reaction was to punt and skip day camp altogether, but then I remembered how much fun holiday vacation had been a few short months ago. I didn't relish reviving my role as the screen time police and refereeing stupid arguments about whose turn it was to pick up the Uno cards.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Needless to say, I got to work on three sets of packets of mostly double-sided forms. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Right out of the gates, I felt irritated. They asked for my home, work, and mobile number </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">at the top of the first form</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. To be fair, this request for multiple numbers comes up a lot, e.g. at the doctor's office, school, and (inexplicably) the oil change place. However, the frequency of its utterance does not alter the fact that it's an old query. If you want to call someone and you don’t go with the mobile, maybe you shouldn't be in charge of making phone calls anymore. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Despite my annoyance, I complied; I wrote the same one three times, which in my case is honesty, not facetiousness. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Turns out, the telephone number lines were just the beginning.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Here are five ESSENTIAL things I had to fill out on the forms:</b></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Disclosure about whether my daughter had an abnormal menstrual history</b>: Okay, no, because she's six...but what is going on at Day Camp that my daughter’s menses needs to be on their radar anyway?</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Whether or not my children have ever had problems with diarrhea or constipation:</b> At the risk of revealing too much, who hasn’t? In a giddy bout of sarcasm, I relished explaining it to them in literary detail. Ultimately, I decided against writing yes and attaching my three-page essay called, ‘Mom! I Just Peed out My Butt.’”</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Medication information for my kids that don't take medication:</b> Listen, if your child has prescriptions they need to take, then, by all means, fill out the form. But if not, is it necessary to fill out the whole home address and three phone numbers lines again just to write, NO MEDS on it? Only if you want your kids to go to day camp.</span></li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Permission to use sunscreen</b>: I conceded the "Authorizing Use of Sunscreen" form was legitimate because of allergies until I read, “I authorize the staff to directly apply the sunscreen to my child.” I wanted to say no just so I could learn how one applies sunscreen indirectly. Do they squirt it in the air tell the kids to walk through it? </span></li>
</ul>
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<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A big fat lie: </b><span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The </span>"<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Release and Waiver of Liability and Indemnity Agreement"</span> is where you say you won't sue if your child gets seriously injured or killed on day camp's watch. Let’s be clear, day camp, if you seriously injure or kill my child, a lawsuit might be the least of your worries. </span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This packet had the reek of lawyer all over it. It was long. It was wordy. It was needlessly redundant. And it was just ironclad enough that you would likely think twice before pursuing a lawsuit should something go wrong (heaven forbid). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The fact is the forms are what makes day camp possible. If it meant that I could get some work done over the summer "vacation," I would have jumped through whatever hoops you put in front of me. And apparently, that included form packets that produce enough carbon footprint and deforestation to make Al Gore get his panties in a twist and me to wear shorts in February. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Day camp planning is just around the corner. I can hardly wait for the camp or the forms. In fact, I am just finishing up the editing on my new essay called, "Why ISN'T there an App for this yet?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-12003838452110893192017-02-08T05:00:00.000-08:002017-02-08T06:17:55.251-08:00My Life Writes Its Own Punchlines<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have said before and I will say it again: Sometimes life writes its own punchlines. Here are a few my life has written for me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> Mom! She just called me a butthole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me: </b>Did you just call your brother a butthole?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter:</b> Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me: </b>Where did you learn that word? Did you learn the word from [naughty kids whom I blame for her corruption]?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter: </b>No. I already knew the word butthole. I learned it from him (pointing at brother). He was naked and he bent over and pointed at it and said, "See? This is my butthole."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me: </b>Awesome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The bathroom door opens.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> Mom? Is Gollum's real name Smeagol?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Yes. Now can mama please have a little privacy?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> Sure.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The bathroom door closes. </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i> <i>The bathroom door opens again. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> Mom? Where do we keep the privacy?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"If there is a boy dog puppy, you can legally say it's a son-of-a-bitch." </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Legally.</span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TvqLYHq7BSY/WIu8WxVBO8I/AAAAAAAACPc/C1yhvnT7bfYhrxWimJaaejCqOneoRFENgCLcB/s1600/IMG_0403.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TvqLYHq7BSY/WIu8WxVBO8I/AAAAAAAACPc/C1yhvnT7bfYhrxWimJaaejCqOneoRFENgCLcB/s200/IMG_0403.JPG" width="200" /></span></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">While both admiring my Christmas mug.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> Who painted that?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> I don't know. I don't think it's hand painted.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A thoughtful pause ensues. </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> Is it foot-painted?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"When I am 20, I want to be a rockstar. When I am 30, I want to be a policeman. When I am 100, I want to be a giant."</span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7Sx9Y_9kveo/WIu8wsYWCcI/AAAAAAAACPg/W5KcgZFivvIid2UBO_XGq_2h1KFCNeFMACLcB/s1600/Content%2BGame%2Bplan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="316" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7Sx9Y_9kveo/WIu8wsYWCcI/AAAAAAAACPg/W5KcgZFivvIid2UBO_XGq_2h1KFCNeFMACLcB/s320/Content%2BGame%2Bplan.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> So, Mom, what did the scale say?</span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L12iPFpEdJM/WIu83FACvfI/AAAAAAAACPk/eLwHF4M0kbszCHi2LTgk8JoSQMpb_G46wCLcB/s1600/Fotolia_60392601_Subscription_Monthly_M.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-L12iPFpEdJM/WIu83FACvfI/AAAAAAAACPk/eLwHF4M0kbszCHi2LTgk8JoSQMpb_G46wCLcB/s200/Fotolia_60392601_Subscription_Monthly_M.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Too much.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> 160?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> No.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> 165?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> No.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> 200, then?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Please stop guessing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"So, Mom? Did you see The Wizard of Oz when it first came out?"</span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Lg5BlK1YJHA/WIu9azRw0xI/AAAAAAAACP0/9tlFRnN1eq0MzALVmnT_bEedzRfWFIYlQCLcB/s1600/Frontyard%2Bmoon--March%252C%2B2006--IMG_2854.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Lg5BlK1YJHA/WIu9azRw0xI/AAAAAAAACP0/9tlFRnN1eq0MzALVmnT_bEedzRfWFIYlQCLcB/s320/Frontyard%2Bmoon--March%252C%2B2006--IMG_2854.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter: </b> The moon is God's eye looking at us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me: </b>Does that mean when the moon is not out, He's not looking?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter: </b>No, He's just looking in France.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Enter an enterprising young woman at the nail salon for a long overdue pedicure.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Her:</b> Eyebrow wax?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Um...yeah, sure. Thanks!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Her:</b> Do you want me to take care of the chin, too?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Mommy, you smell like vanilla. Daddy, you smell like old man."</span></blockquote>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">While tagging lollipops for Valentine's day for the class...</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter: </b>The one that says "Yes!" is the best one to give to a boy."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Go to your room. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter:</b> What?! For how long?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Until you are married.</span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fHLq4uvV1hc/WIu91BumRZI/AAAAAAAACP8/8j0xeD7S9VwP8rTvV4KMzT9p6WahyJO4wCEw/s1600/Birds%2Band%2BBeez.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fHLq4uvV1hc/WIu91BumRZI/AAAAAAAACP8/8j0xeD7S9VwP8rTvV4KMzT9p6WahyJO4wCEw/s200/Birds%2Band%2BBeez.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Mom? <span style="font-size: 12pt;">Do</span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> you lay an egg inside your tummy and it grows into a baby and then it hatches out?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Me:</b> --</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Son:</b> Mom? Do you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Yep.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter: </b>I feel bad for kids that are named Dick. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me: </b>Oh?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter: </b>What's a dick?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me: </b>Um...it's slang for penis. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter:</b> WHAT? Now I feel worse for them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> Then...why did you feel bad for them before?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Daughter: </b>Because they were named after a whale. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Son:</b> "Mom? What did you do before TV was invented?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Me:</b> I hunted dinosaurs.</span></div>
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<style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"MS 明朝"; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1791491579 134217746 0 131231 0;} @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1107305727 0 0 415 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-536870145 1073743103 0 0 415 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page WordSection1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.0in 1.0in 1.0in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.WordSection1 {page:WordSection1;} --> </style>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-42710803615894634672017-01-07T09:24:00.001-08:002017-01-07T09:24:46.945-08:007 Steps for Battling the Stomach Flu at 3am<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PA3RXB6nwgI/WHAWwjhOq1I/AAAAAAAAB9U/LaH4o6vFQuwk3m-QAQKCfLZ1tlhHKkQhwCLcB/s1600/Vomit%2BIcon.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PA3RXB6nwgI/WHAWwjhOq1I/AAAAAAAAB9U/LaH4o6vFQuwk3m-QAQKCfLZ1tlhHKkQhwCLcB/s320/Vomit%2BIcon.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">A tentative hand on my forearm woke me. I opened one eye. The nightlight illuminated the wary expression my oldest son wore. Since I tend to wake on the grouchy side, I knew whatever prompted him to brave rousing me was probably not good. </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">“He threw up.”</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">So not good. My open eye shifted to the projected time on the ceiling: 2:40 a.m.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because, of course. Stomach flu never happens at 2:40 in the afternoon. It has a pact with the smoke alarm batteries.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I rose from my cocoon of high thread count luxury and prepared myself. It isn’t my first rodeo with overnight illness. Luckily, I have a 7-step program for battling the stomach flu.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Step One: Don’t swear. </span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Middle-of-the-night-vomit scenes rate alongside impromptu children’s wall murals with poop as a medium. This one didn't disappoint; it was as nasty as you can imagine. I resisted the impulse to swear, out loud, anyway. The inside of my head, on the other hand, was an uncensored Yosemite Sam rant.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Step Two: Breathe through your mouth.</span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">My youngest suffers bewilderment when he throws up (he gets that from me). The first time he puked, he cried, "I made applesauce in my mouth!" To be fair, it is a surprisingly accurate description. While the calming of the patient is instinctive, breathing through your mouth is not. My advice: do it right from the start, or you’ll make some applesauce of your own.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Step Three: Bag and Gag.</span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Survey Ground Zero and make a recovery plan. This incident involved every bit of the bedding and carpet next to my older son’s bed. Remove the chunks using a disposable grocery bag as a glove, or what I call the “Bag and Gag” maneuver. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Step Four: Restore order. </span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Once you recover from step three, reset the scene. Remove the soiled items. Put on clean bedding and pajamas, and rinse the patient’s mouth with water. If you time it right, you might be able to skip the next three steps and head back to bed. Just don’t rush it. If you do, you’ll need to proceed to step five.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I rushed it. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Step Five: Contain the spatter zone.</span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">The ideal contamination zone should be limited to the bathroom. Regrettably, during round two, I limited it to the front of my pajamas (Remember step one.) I made my way to the bathroom employing a bent-leg-squat-trudge in an attempt to transport the contaminants without leaving a trail. By the time I got there, he was all done. Because, again, of course.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Step Six: Don’t be a hero.</span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Don’t be afraid to call in for backup, if it’s available. Up to this point, my spouse remained blissfully unaware of the carnage transpiring outside. So, I bent-leg-squat-trudged back down the hall and threw open our bedroom door with a huffy-hands-on-hips “Hey!” Mission accomplished. He was up.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Step Seven: Split duty. </span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Now that you have backup use it wisely. My husband took the patient; I took the cleanup. Around 4 a.m., our son was passed out on the full inventory of my linen closet spread in a radius usually reserved for DIY paint projects. </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I recognize the 7-step plan isn’t perfect. Various factors have a significant influence on the outcome of your stomach flu event, not the least of which are a spouse’s travel schedule or a genetic propensity for sympathetic vomiting. However, when followed, the seven steps can get you through it with minimal retching and emotional scarring. </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">When we had climbed back into our bed, battle weary and disinfected, we were too tired for retching or scarring. There is a silver lining, however. In what can only be described as an oddly romantic moment of understanding, my husband patted my freshly scrubbed hand and said, “Well, at least you get a post out of this.” </span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Indeed.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-72394617572467149482016-12-17T06:48:00.000-08:002016-12-17T07:03:49.208-08:0033 Parenting Truths Learned over a Decade+ of Parenting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PB3V-B3WrqQ/WERc2GJLkxI/AAAAAAAAB6Q/5IHkuKYnnsgQmv_vpxi__ezNpwgH5ftgwCLcB/s1600/Experienced%2BCS%2BLeaders%2BAdvice.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PB3V-B3WrqQ/WERc2GJLkxI/AAAAAAAAB6Q/5IHkuKYnnsgQmv_vpxi__ezNpwgH5ftgwCLcB/s320/Experienced%2BCS%2BLeaders%2BAdvice.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">My oldest recently celebrated his 11<sup>th</sup> birthday. This means that I have completed over a decade as a mom. I mention that because, let's not kid ourselves, it's really all about me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Some of you reading this might be at different parts of your parenting journey. In the spirit of sharing information, let's take a quick look at some of the parenting truths I have gained about mommyhood over this past decade:</span><br />
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<li>Parenting is one part love, and three parts not swearing in public.</li>
<li>Small children don't know or care about being late, and warnings about being it are fruitless.</li>
<li>When you sign a mandatory three-page waiver before your kids can go play somewhere, someone is coming home with a broken femur. </li>
<li>You have absolute power over the music in the car as long as you pick something your kids like. </li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Whoever</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">decided a </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 12pt;">three-week-long winter break from school was reasonable should get coal in their stocking this year.</span></span></li>
<li>Wearing anything white around your kids and expecting not to have to change within the hour is either idealistic or idiotic.</li>
<li>Nothing good ever comes after a sentence that starts, "You said...."</li>
<li>Drinking beer at Chuck-e-Cheese at 2 p.m. on a Saturday is not day drinking; it’s coping.</li>
<li>Parenting opinions are like buttholes because <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">everyone has one. Expressed opinions about someone else's parenting are like buttholes because when you do it, you are one.</span></li>
<li>The human body has fluids that come in all odors, colors, and viscosities, which, at the end of any given day, you will find on your shirt. Or theirs. </li>
<li>If every once in a while your kids tell you they hate you because you are the meanest mom in the world, it means you're probably doing it right. </li>
<li>The five stages of negotiation with a toddler include Bargaining, Pleading, Threatening, Yelling (theirs) and Tears (yours).</li>
<li>People that think pets are like kids are deluded.</li>
<li>If you teach your small children the actual names for their genitalia, be prepared to hear them discussed loudly in a public restroom more than once.</li>
<li>Free time is a resource more elusive than enriched uranium.</li>
<li>If you have a job while you have small children, going to work is like going on vacation.</li>
<li>If you work from home, you likely need a vacation.</li>
<li>Binge-watching Netflix does not count as a vacation.</li>
<li>Wearing dangling earrings around your toddler is like playing Russian Roulette with your earlobes.</li>
<li>Car seat buckles were designed to break your spirit.</li>
<li>If your phone/tablet/coffee table is cracked in two places, it's still like new.</li>
<li>Pinterest can scroll forever with content that makes you feel inadequate.</li>
<li>Old people that miss when their kids were little never felt the crusty bump of boogers on their iPad screen.</li>
<li>You will string together the most ridiculous sentences ever uttered, such as, “Hey You two! I told you no mouth kissing.”</li>
<li>You will always sniff brown sludge of indeterminate origin even though you know there is high probability it’s poop.</li>
<li>Moms are glorified wait staff. And nobody tips.</li>
<li>Christmas morning is not a joyous holiday; it's a deadline.</li>
<li>Daylight savings time and summer vacation are two archaic societal conventions and that have outlived their usefulness and must be stopped.</li>
<li>The tooth fairy is a witless, unreliable twit.</li>
<li>The only thing a stay-at-home mom of small children wants for Mother's Day is not to see her children that day. At all.</li>
<li>Whoever decided we should build a trap to catch the leprechaun that comes to your house on St. Patrick's Day deserves a swift kick in the shamrocks.</li>
<li>Losing weight from breastfeeding is a myth; wearing maternity pants to your baby's first birthday party is the truth.</li>
<li>One glass of wine is nice. Two is better. Three means you aren't going to sleep that night.</li>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">What would you add to the list? I'd love to hear your additions in the comments below. So I can steal them for my twitter fee</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><b>d.</b></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-75037209523414223932016-12-04T09:24:00.000-08:002016-12-22T13:57:06.631-08:00Life Lessons from My Younger But Wiser Daughter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9c3uZU0iYpc/WEB6Oscl3jI/AAAAAAAAB54/6zwaWnmjuGswSbax4Ak2iCsqlEVOMBIJQCLcB/s1600/Fotolia_63883281_Subscription_Monthly_M.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9c3uZU0iYpc/WEB6Oscl3jI/AAAAAAAAB54/6zwaWnmjuGswSbax4Ak2iCsqlEVOMBIJQCLcB/s320/Fotolia_63883281_Subscription_Monthly_M.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I am the mom, so honestly I should be the one teaching the life lessons to my daughter. And I do, like how to avoid gassing people with her Tinkerbell perfume by spraying it in the air and walking through it. Or how to sneak leftover Halloween candy into a movie theater.<br />
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However, she has a fair amount of lessons to teach also, like how to convince her little brother to dress up like a fairy princess or feign sleep in the car to avoid interacting with the family. Here are just a few more things I have learned from her over the years.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">#1: Never wear anything that’s uncomfortable. </b></div>
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My daughter has been known to put together ensembles that run the gamut from classy to clown suit on any given morning. There was a time when her sartorial statement might pair a sundress and earmuffs. While my example indicates she lacks a discerning eye, this is not the case; she has exacting standards. My daughter will not wear anything that is itchy/tight/hot/painful. I once bought her a super cute T-shirt with a sparkly purse on the front of it. It featured two of her favorite things: sequins and accessories. Since it was a sequined accessory, this one was a double whammy! She loved it. But her delight devolved to disdain when she wore it. The applique was itchy, so the shirt was a no-go. On the other hand, I have a pair of boots that peel the skin from my heels. I never wear them, but I hang on to them. In fact, I have moved them three times so far. Why? Because they are cute. Who is the grown up here anyway?</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">#2: Poop anywhere. </b></div>
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It doesn’t matter if we are in a port-o-potty at a parade route or a church bathroom in a wine country town. If my daughter has to go, she goes. Talk to her during? No problem. Hear an impatient fellow-patron knocking on the door? Sure. Wrong time of day? What’s that? It might be her superpower.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">#3: You can never have too many best friends. </b></div>
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I grew up with a definite sense that a best friend was an item one had in the singular. You might have a lot of good friends, but there was only one <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">best</i></b> friend. My daughter does not share my view on this issue. If you ask her who her best friend is, you could get a list with as many as six names on it.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">#4: Fairies are real.</b></div>
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When she was in Kindergarten, my daughter convinced all six of her best friends that fairies were real. She explained how you write the fairies a note and hide it in the backyard. The next day you went out to see what they left for you. Needless to say, I was on the business end of a couple of pointed comments at school pick up from her friends' parents after this phenomenon swept through the hallowed halls of her grade school. I could understand the other parents’ ire. Luckily for me, she forgot about it after a few days—which was great because I heard the fairy was running out of the pink Post-it notes she was using for her correspondence.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">#5: Anyone can have a bad day.</b></div>
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One year my daughter wrote a letter to Santa with what she expected on Christmas morning. Her list included an iPhone, an iPad mini, and, my personal favorite, a puppy. I told her Santa wasn’t going to bring her any of these things. After an exhausted sigh at my ignorance, she explained, “Mom! I only put those there so he would get me what I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> want.” Diabolical.</div>
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After mailing her letter sans zip code because “Santa doesn’t need one; he’s too famous,” we got a letter back. Santa, the geriatric genius, told her she had been a very good <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">BOY</i></b> this year. I was fuming and silently rehearsing my pissy phone call to the North Pole’s answering service. My daughter, however, quietly folded up his letter and said, “I guess Santa was having a bad day.” Crisis averted.</div>
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I suppose the real life lesson here is that learning is a two-way street. After all, it’s clear upon reflection that she is more mature than me in a few areas anyway. Perhaps one day when I grow up, I will be as wise as she is.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-30977720384859178952016-11-19T06:00:00.000-08:002016-11-19T07:53:26.771-08:00The Holidays Make My Tinsel Twitch<br />
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There are only 35 days until Christmas. Yep. You read that right. If you are anything like me, that number makes you sweat a little and sneak a glance at your clock to see if you could argue with a straight face that it's 5 o'clock somewhere. Especially since the amount of work I have done on Mission Christmas Morning Magic is exactly bupkis/zilch/nada/nixie.<br />
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I see Christmas morning differently as a mom. Moms are responsible for the holiday magic, without any magic help whatsoever. Mom is the big kahuna as it pertains to how much Mele will be in the Kalikimaka. It is no longer a time of wonderment and magic. It is a deadline. <br />
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Moms have a lot to do on a regular old day, especially when the kids are too little to serve as slave labor. Granted, non-mom-type-people likely don’t know what we do because a lot of it is invisible to everyone else. Ever wonder why there is always toilet paper under the bathroom sink when you need it? How do those ubiquitous juice box straw wrappers find their way from the floor to the garbage? And do you have any idea who empties the trashcan in the garage? Hint: It’s not elves.<br />
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But the holidays pile on additional responsibilities for us moms. We shop for gifts for everyone we know. We wrap them up with Pinterest-worthy sustainable paper and handmade bows made from organic silk and unicorn horns. And we deliver said gifts to the recipients, thanking the baby Jesus that they don’t have surge pricing on shipping at the holidays (or do they?). <br />
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We also are responsible for the three stages of a party: party planning, party catering, and party cleaning. Even if we are merely party attending, this requires phoning, texting, emailing, and posting desperate status updates to score a babysitter. (Do babysitters have surge pricing, too?)<br />
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We bring a covered dish everywhere. I like to keep one in my trunk for emergencies, next to the white elephant gift that I recycle from year to year. Let’s not forget the decorating of the tree, the inside of the house, the outside of the house, and, of course, the cookies.<br />
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Does writing out this list make my tinsel twitch? Does a reindeer poop in the woods? <br />
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The thing is, I forget the pain of the season with time, like childbirth and high school. In fact, I was excited about the Holidays last year. I switched on the Christmas carols and bought eggnog the day after Thanksgiving. I hummed "It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" strolling the aisles at the grocery store. My cup was full of holiday cheer and it runneth over.</div>
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As for all the work involved with the holidays, I had a 3-step plan: <br />
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<li>Do a little bit every day </li>
<li>Don't overthink it</li>
<li>Whenever possible, do less instead of more. </li>
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I worked my 3-step plan. And yet, on December 8th last year, I Googled how to get a marijuana prescription for anxiety. <br />
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So how did last holiday season go from the most wonderful time of the year to lawn seats at a Dave Matthews concert? Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s poor planning. Maybe I got Christmas cocky, and my do a little every day was a little too little every day. <br />
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The holidays are a happy time—for everyone else! Behind every merry Christmas, there’s a woman with a frazzled expression and flask hidden in the waist of her yoga pants. And in the flask is all that’s left of her Christmas cheer. <br />
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This year will be different. I will embrace my inner Grinch right from the start. I still love Christmas, but in the married-for-25-years way. I see its faults, and I don’t like them, but I can live with them. After all, Christmas comes but once a year.<br />
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And thank goodness for that.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-44651724082619159082016-11-12T06:00:00.000-08:002016-11-12T06:17:09.982-08:0025 Things My Mom Never Said in The 70s<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: small;">Moms have a great way of telling it like it is. My mom </span></span><span style="font-size: small;">said things to encourage us to be our best and to show us who was the boss when we were too big for our britches. However, I can guarantee she never would have said any of the following 25 things:</span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">25 Things My Mom Never Said in The 70s</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Do you have your seatbelt on?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Put that baby on its back to sleep! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Sure, you can have a play date with the kid up the street. Just let me call her mom and arrange it on our schedules.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Stop that! We do not drink from the hose! Get one of the bottled waters.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Are those popsicles organic?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Of course, you can have your own phone! I always feel bad that I am on it when you want to talk to your friends for hours.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">What can I make you for your lunch today?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Make sure you get the mosquito repellent that doesn't have DEET in it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">We are going to eat less red meat around here.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Does anybody know where the baby wipes warmer is?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">11.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Naturally, you can have a Disney Princess at your birthday party. We’ll have her set up next to the petting zoo behind the bounce house. Now, what should I put in the gift bags for your guests?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">12.</span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -20pt;">Thank goodness I'm number 13 on the waitlist</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -20pt;"> for the right preschool.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">13.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Come on, kids. We are going to the store. I'm all out of Dreft!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we have enough car seats?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">14.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -20pt;">Finally found the perfect</span><span style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -20pt;"> gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free biscotti recipe for the school “winter holiday” party.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">15.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Do you want a timeout?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">16.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Is that a participation trophy? Wow! What an accomplishment!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">17.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Do you have your bike helmet on? </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">18.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Wow! Gas is only $3! Thanks, President Nixon/Ford/Carter! </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">19.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Do you know if the new station wagons help reduce your carbon footprint?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">20.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -26.6667px;">Any sentence that uses the word "sustainable."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">21.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Oh no! I'm a week late to send out the invitations to your little brother’s preschool graduation!</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">22.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Heavens no, you can’t ride in the back of your dad’s pickup truck! It’s not safe.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">23.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I’m sorry, Betty. I’ll have to call you back. My daughter wants to ask me something while I’m on the phone.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -20.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">24.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">You know, l</span>Laying out in the sun all day with no sunscreen slathered in baby oil makes you look like a leather handbag when you are my age.<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">25.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -26.6667px;">I got a job! And it pays the same as my male counterpart’s does!</span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">My mom was a fabulous 70s mom. My mom could change her John Denver 8-track tape and open a can of Shasta cola while driving down the interstate at 55 mph. She didn’t worry about her carbon footprint or genetically modified organisms in the Cheez Whiz she poured over the broccoli that came shaped like a frozen cube. She wore a bikini top and track shorts the whole summer long and made it look good. She also spanked us—hard, I might add—and not one of us is a delinquent sadist today.</span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">Times have changed, and, in many ways, for the better—if only for the fact that my kids have no idea that broccoli comes frozen in a cube. Also, who can argue that sunscreen is not a good idea? </span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">Some things are worse, of course. Does anyone besides me have heart palpitations about birthday parties for their kids? And Preschool graduations are squeal-worthy cute, but not essential. </span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">Sadly, some things are not as different as we would like (number 25). </span></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">What hasn’t changed is how much we love our kids. That’s a concept that my 70s mom never failed to communicate to me or my brothers or sisters. That is way cool, awesome possum, groovy to the Max, dig? *</span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">Was your mom a 70s mom, too? What are some things she would never say?</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;"><i>* She would never have said any of these phrases either.</i></span></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-83619379785750731162016-11-04T09:52:00.000-07:002016-11-04T09:52:27.839-07:00Helping Your Children Find a Path to Happiness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bGlgGGYFko0/VQ7I9LHOWuI/AAAAAAAABFM/a24q8ptsa_Y/s1600/Road%2Bto%2BReality.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bGlgGGYFko0/VQ7I9LHOWuI/AAAAAAAABFM/a24q8ptsa_Y/s1600/Road%2Bto%2BReality.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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We all want our children to be happy. The trouble is there is no guarantee of what will make them happy. But we try, nonetheless.</div>
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When they are young, we make most of their choices. As they mature, however, they make their decisions. So what do we do when our children make a decision we know will make them unhappy down the road? Do we step in or step back? How do we help them find a path to happiness?</div>
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I am an ex-actress who is now a writer. My journey from writing to acting and back again is a long one spanning nearly twenty years. I won’t bore you with the all the details, just a few of them. My hope is my story will ease your mind about the choices your children make.</div>
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In high school, I developed a love for acting and writing. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer could have been actress or journalist, depending on the day.</div>
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I didn’t always want to do those things. At the age of eight, I told my parents I would never marry, become a scientist and live with them. Forever. They must have been thrilled with my plans.</div>
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Despite my issues with realistic career choices, at age 18 even I knew an acting career was risky. I had also abandoned my plans to be a scientist (too much math) and living with my parents (too much supervision). So when it came time to fill in the bubble on my college paperwork for “major,” I skipped acting and the sciences, and instead chose “Journalism.”</div>
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Journalism was a practical profession. Respectable. A career where one could expect to earn a living. And, as far as I could tell, there was little math involved.</div>
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I went to a state school in Kirksville, Missouri, touted as “the Harvard of the Midwest.” Knowing what I do about Ivy League schools now, I can assure you this was false advertising. I enjoyed none of the advantages a Harvard graduate does, in the Midwest or anywhere else.</div>
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My Journalism 101 professor was a slim fellow in need of a haircut. He wore a plaid button-down shirt, chinos, and worn topsider shoes. He carried a messenger bag slung across his body, its strap cutting a diagonal across his thin chest. He had pudgy white cheeks like a child’s and wore Lennon glasses before they were fashionable (again).</div>
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I expected to be inspired. I was disappointed.</div>
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His entire first lecture described journalism as a miserable profession. A job where you made less than $18,000 a year, which even then was a meager sum, and that was just when you were employed. Furthermore, when you were lucky enough to have a permanent gig, you were on call 24/7 and expected to thrust a microphone into the face of a grieving mother that just discovered her child died and ask her how she feels.</div>
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Um…what?</div>
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While I knew Journalism wasn’t a cakewalk, I didn’t picture anything quite so desolate as what he described. I left class feeling snake bit, the punctures of his lecture’s fangs allowing my journalistic enthusiasm to leak out with a slow, pathetic hiss.</div>
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I had an epiphany. If this bleak and challenging career path is what I’m in for, then I may as well suffer for the art I <em>really</em> love…acting!</div>
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I told my parents I was going to be a Theatre major but not to worry; I would get my minor in Music, to “fall back on.” They didn’t say a word. I took this to mean they were once again thrilled with my plans.</div>
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Acting didn’t work out. It turns out not everyone who decides to go for stardom makes it. Who knew?</div>
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I needed a job. I became a sales rep for an alternative radio station. It paid 100% commission. My desk was so close to the back door that when people went out to smoke behind the station, the snowflakes would spatter across my desk.</div>
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Not that the spattering mattered. No snow got on the phone that I used to get smacked with rejection all day.</div>
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I didn’t bother looking for another job, however. Where else would a Theatre major (with that helpful Music minor) get hired that didn’t involve the phrases “Would you like to see a dessert menu?” or “Do you need a different size of the curvy, boot-cut stonewash denim?”</div>
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Without any other choice, I survived my first job in sales. I bounced around for the next couple of years, always taking a better opportunity, and always learning more about how to be better at my job. At the top of my sales career, I was the Director of Client Relations for a marketing company in Southern California. So hey, it worked out fine in the end.</div>
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After I had left this job to raise my children, I missed it. Being a mom was not enough. One of my ex-team members reached out to me in my mommyhood five years ago and asked if I wanted to write some copy for my old company. And just like that, Lively Copywriting was born. I am one of the work-at-home-moms otherwise known as WAHMs.</div>
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When I decided to be a theater major, my parents were less than thrilled and probably terrified for my future. However, if they had tried to convince me to return to my Journalism major or even to my original dream of spinster scientist, I wouldn’t have listened. Wisely, they didn’t.</div>
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When your son or daughter comes to you full of exuberance about their decision to major in Elizabethan Poetry or Pottery, don’t despair. Our job as parents is not to control what our children do as adults, but to lay the foundation of confidence and determination that will help them find happiness, whatever twisty-turny path they choose.</div>
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When I went to college, I was a Journalism major. When I left it, I was a Theatre major with a Music minor. Now I am a writer and a WAHM. I made my choices. I lived with them. My journey led me here, and I can assure you it’s a happy place.</div>
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That is a good thing because if there is any truth to Karma, my kids are going to test my theory when their time comes.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-2690825362556737052016-10-22T06:00:00.000-07:002016-10-22T09:14:38.054-07:00The Last First Day of Kindergarten<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5i5PLR5ccOg/WAj9pF_9LAI/AAAAAAAAB1E/AWAEDma9UXAPqYqoilzElut_CP-yNtWBACLcB/s1600/Fotolia_74237218_Subscription_Monthly_M.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5i5PLR5ccOg/WAj9pF_9LAI/AAAAAAAAB1E/AWAEDma9UXAPqYqoilzElut_CP-yNtWBACLcB/s320/Fotolia_74237218_Subscription_Monthly_M.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">He
looked up at me with blue eyes. They seemed to know who I was even before I
introduced myself. I was struck by how bright blue his eyes were, even more so
than his brother and sister. When I looked back into the blue eyes that were
neither scared nor sad, he found his way right into my heart forever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">He
is my third child, the one we never planned to have but came anyway. And the
child that completed our family in ways we couldn’t have imagined back then.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">I
remembered that moment as we stood in the crowded line on the sandy asphalt
outside his classroom. He was watching the door, the sharp rays of the early
sun making him squint on this warm August morning. He was holding my hand—my actual
hand, unlike just a few short months ago when all he could manage was to hold
two of my fingers. He had his new canvas bag over his shoulder packed with a
snack and his headphones. The lights on his brand new shoes dormant as he stood
still and quiet by my side, waiting patiently and confidently for the bell. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">His
classmates were lined up patiently, too, accompanied by the loving throng of
parents, caregivers, and grandparents that had shepherded them to this moment. He
waved to his friend, the one he introduced himself to yesterday at orientation.
His friend waved back and smiled. In spite of the growing dread in my belly, I
smiled at his mom. The other mom returned a tight smile, seeming nervous,
absently resting her hand on her pregnant belly, no doubt wondering how she got
here today and how the little kicking being that was still sleeping inside her
womb just yesterday could now be waiting to start the first day of Kindergarten
today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">Our
teacher invited us in the classroom. She had instructions for all of us, like
where to hang our student’s tote bags and where to put the snack for recess. We
diligently complied. It was crowded and noisy, but we all managed the tasks at
hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">I
helped my son get his snack in his cubby and hang his bag. Then, when this
official business was complete, he turned to me and hugged my legs before he
let me go and made his way to the rainbow rug, where he plopped down crisscross
applesauce in an orange square. He looked around at his classmates already on
the carpet and then turned to me with a thumbs up. He would be okay. I might not. My throat
tightened, and my eyes brimmed with tears of pride and dismay. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">He
was a Kindergartner now. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">I
made my way to the back of the classroom behind the other parents to get some
photos. Some of them were experiencing this wonderful/terrible experience for
the first time; the joy of participating in such a significant milestone while
shouldering the heartbreak of letting their child go, even if it’s just a
little. I took photos and tried to hide my tears. I wanted to set a good
example.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">To
be honest, I find it a little silly that I felt wrecked by this important rite
of passage. After all, I have stood here before, watching my two other little
babies take their leave of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know he
will return to me in just a few short hours, all smiles and gleeful cries of
“Mommy!” Not 15 minutes after our reunion later, when he’s already wearing me
out, I will wonder why I ever felt crushed about the idea of leaving him on his
first day of school. I will return to my grouchy musings about whose bright
idea it was to start school on an early dismissal day. Or why on earth there
are still so many weeks off of school. I will resume my furious searches online
to discover just exactly what is the point of a “minimum day.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">After
roll call, his teacher read a story about the first day of school and the
exquisite pain of separation. It ended with the main character learning the
sign for “I love you.” She taught the class how to make the sign with their
chubby little hands and encouraged them to show it to us in the throng of
anxious and doting faces that surrounded them. He found me and smiled with his
whole face, proud to hold up the sign, his first lesson in “big boy” school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">It
was time to leave. The teacher reassured us all that she would take wonderful
care of our little babies. The air was thick with mixed emotions, both
smothering me and thwarting my efforts to keep it together. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">As
I reached the door, I looked back once more at my baby, my last baby, happily
taking in this moment. I felt overwhelmed with pride and love. But the tears
came anyway as I left, mourning the loss of these years when he was my little
buddy, my constant companion, my lunch date, and my Costco-run partner. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;">Now
he is my kindergartner, my school-aged child, and the last of my tribe to enjoy
a significant landmark on his journey to independence that started years ago,
even if I didn’t notice it until today. It was the last first day of Kindergarten,
beautiful, if tragic, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.</span><span style="font-family: "cambria";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-88144702666503161732015-04-25T15:57:00.001-07:002016-10-19T10:22:52.287-07:00Winning the Food War with My Picky Eater<div data-mce-style="text-align: center;" style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.6666679382324px; text-align: center;">
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My eldest son at the age of three however once sat at the dinner table for three hours because he wouldn’t try his vegetable. Was I attempting to serve him rhubarb? Kale? Eggplant?</div>
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Nope. Corn. It was corn. Normal, yellow corn.</div>
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Flabbergasted by the absurdity of this standoff, I dismissed him. I dismissed him just before I had a Donald-Duck moment, worthy of his future blog called, “My Mom Was a Crazy B! ^(# and I Have the Emotional Scarring to Prove it!”</div>
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My son is a picky eater--of Biblical proportions. He had no interest in new foods, no matter what they were. My husband and I forced his mouth open to shovel in his first bite of vanilla ice cream. I remember the look of incredulity on my sister-in-law’s face when she gave him a donut hole, and he refused to try it.</div>
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I knew, of course, he would never eat it. It was not on the list. The list were the seven foods he would eat:</div>
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<li>Chicken Nuggets (shaped like Dinosaurs)</li>
<li>Apple Sauce</li>
<li>Grapes</li>
<li>Cheese Pizza</li>
<li>Goldfish crackers</li>
<li>Cheerios</li>
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Um…I guess there were only six. Unless milk counts as “food.”</div>
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He was my firstborn, however, so I thought it was my job to feed him food he would eat. This nonsense meant mealtimes resembled a diner where I was the short order cook. I also brought food when we went out to eat or to other people’s houses. My family lives a few states away, so we would stop to stock up at the store on the way home from the airport. I was a certifiable helicopter mom (also of Biblical proportions).</div>
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Then, his sister started eating baby food, and his world would never be the same.</div>
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My mom watched the kids for me. When we returned, my mom told me my baby wouldn’t eat baby food.</div>
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“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said. “She loves her baby food.”</div>
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“She doesn’t eat it. You’ll see,” she said.</div>
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I didn’t believe her. So when we sat down to eat dinner of curried chicken for us, dinosaur chicken nuggets for my eldest, and rice cereal mixed with carrots for her, I wasn’t expecting what happened next.</div>
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When I presented the first spoonful, she closed her mouth and turned her head. I lowered the spoon and she turned back to me. I lifted the spoon again; she turned away again. Then, she looked at my plate with a ferocity of purpose that made it clear cereal and carrots were not going to cut it.</div>
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Dubiously, I shredded the chicken into an easy-to-eat bite (my kids had teeth super early) and offered it to her. She practically tipped her high chair forward to get it.</div>
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Then I tried carrots again. No go. Curry chicken? Yes, please.</div>
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Once she ate our dinner, baby food was out. More importantly, my short-order cooking days were, too. When I saw her gobble our food, it dawned on me all children could eat what we eat. </div>
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Even picky, first-born children.</div>
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And so began a food battle, which was, you guessed it, of Biblical proportions. I don’t know where he gets it, honestly…</div>
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The key to winning the food battle is simple: never yield. Buddy Hackett said, “At my house the menu had two options, Take it or leave it.” From the curry chicken epiphany on, I made one dinner. It was the only choice. My kids could eat it or they could go to bed hungry. Period. No milk. No cereal. Nothing (<em>and</em> Cue the outraged dissenter comments now…).</div>
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We also instated the “No Thank You” bite. This means to be excused, children must try at least one bite of everything on their plate. While they will not be required to finish said food, trying it is not optional. However, if they don’t eat it, no dessert.</div>
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I lost the aforementioned corn battle. Issuing a stupid ultimatum, I told him to sit there until he tried it. He’s a pretty stubborn kid, so that was a rookie move on my part. Now, I put a time limit on the standoff. Otherwise, dinner can stretch into an hour-long cacophony of crying and cajoling, which doesn’t do anything but make me play jump rope with my last nerve.</div>
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Corn battle notwithstanding, I won a lot more of the food battles than I lost.--once they knew I meant business. Unfortunately, the food war with my picky, picky child was an arduous test of wills. I admire his tenacity and determination (he gets that from me.) The obstinacy, however, is clearly his father’s side.</div>
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My days as a short order cook are done. It is not my job to get my children to eat. It <em>is </em>my job to give my children opportunities to eat. At that point I follow Mrs. Hackett’s model: they can take it, or leave it.</div>
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He’s nine now and still particular. He still orders his burgers plain (yep, meat and bun—tasty!), but it’s a burger so I could give a hoot. He’s also loyal to one flavor of ice cream, choosing to go without, when the flavor isn’t available. However, he tries everything now, no battle necessary.</div>
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The other day, he tried one of his sister’s California rolls. He didn’t like it, but that isn’t the point. He tried it so he KNOWS he doesn’t like it.</div>
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Three hours is a long time to sit. I hate sitting that long for a flight, a long car trip or a waiting room of ANY kind. The only time I eagerly plant my keister for that amount of time involves hobbits, wizards, or the plantation at Tara. My son will likely sit there next to me.</div>
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You know what he’s eating? A bowl of frozen corn.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-12099722312588817272015-03-22T07:08:00.002-07:002016-10-19T12:23:23.880-07:00Obama Can't Get Me Sick Days<div style="color: #4d4f51; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 30px;">
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I woke up sick today. I thought about calling in sick and then I remembered: I don’t get sick days.</div>
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My employers aren’t stingy or anything. It’s not like my management team is trying to make my life miserable. In fact, my bosses love my work. They might even think the sun and moon rise because of the work I do on their behalf…even if they never say it.</div>
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They love the decisions I make unless they disagree with me. Although I must admit I hear about those decisions in raised voices and demonstrative behavior when this happens, so I always know where I stand. Frankly, I know they love me, even when we disagree on my choices.</div>
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However, they can be unreasonable, and when it comes to sick days, downright despotic. My excuses fall on deaf ears when they do filter through their narcissistic haze. Blinking eyes and uncomprehending stares barely register my confession that I am feeling a bit under the weather, so I won’t be reporting to work.</div>
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Despite what you must think reading this, they aren’t evil bosses. They have always made it a big point to celebrate my work with personal, handwritten notes. More than once, I have received one-of-a-kind works of art as a result of my efforts. They have been known to light up when I arrive at work or even just enter a room. My bosses usually stop what they are doing and bestow upon me a warm and enthusiastic greeting. I have no doubt that I am a valued member of the team.</div>
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They just don’t “do” sick days.</div>
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Obama’s Healthy Families Act isn’t going to help me either. I am one of the 39% of American workers who have no paid sick leave. I might have earned several sick days by now according to the parameters of his act, (21 in fact) but I still don’t have any. I was hoping maybe the local option might trickle down to my unenlightened employers, but it’s unlikely. Obama’s State of the Union Address and most media outlets are just something with which they can’t be bothered. They are deliberately ignorant of world events. Truthfully, I prefer that ignorance.</div>
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Not having sick days doesn’t exactly make me want to quit; after all, I need to do my job. It’s not like anyone else is doing it. Besides, there are many times I love my job. If I’m honest, I love my bosses for all their faults and shortcomings. Maybe even because of those shortcomings.</div>
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No education is required for my position, although it is helpful. I do have my degree, by the way if a Theatre degree counts that is. Honestly, sometimes it seems like all it takes is a little (or a lot) of Chardonnay and a pulse to qualify for my position. Clearly, it didn’t require an impenetrable immune system.</div>
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It is a job I always thought I would want, and although I don’t <em>always</em> feel that way, I do want my job. I signed up for it, warts and all. I sometimes wonder had I been acquainted with those warts if I would have been so delighted when I heard I got the job…but that’s beside the point. I am doing what I always knew I wanted to do, ever since I was a little girl. Unlike that little girl, I understand that there are pros and cons to everything, including my current profession, and we just have to accept that and save the grumbling for our blogs.</div>
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So even though I feel like I was hit by a truck, I rolled out of bed and reported to duty--although not before gulping down a couple of over-the-counter cold pills. After all, my job is not going to do itself.</div>
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As I walked into my office already a buzz with activity, my bosses, all three of them, looked up at me and said, “Mom? What’s for breakfast?”</div>
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Sigh.</div>
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I love my bosses. And it’s a good thing they like cereal.</div>
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<b><i>This Post originally appeared on <a href="https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/article/obama-cant-get-me-sick-days-terri-lively/edit" target="_blank">LinkedIn. </a></i></b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-18599466003033625542015-03-22T06:49:00.002-07:002015-03-22T06:49:20.162-07:005 Lessons I Should Learn from My 7-Year-Old<div style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', 'Bitstream Charter', Times, serif; font-size: 15.5555562973022px; line-height: 26.6666679382324px;">
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I am the mom, so honestly I should be the one teaching my daughter things. And I do. Like when I taught her to look both ways before she crosses the street, to keep her feet off the table when we are eating, or to spray the perfume in the air and walk through it. However, there are a few things I could learn from her. A few of them make me proud…and a couple that completely bewilder me.</div>
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Here are 5 things I could learn from my seven-year-old daughter.</div>
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<strong>Never wear anything that’s uncomfortable.</strong></div>
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My daughter puts together ensembles that run the gamut from classy to clown suit on any given morning. The other day her sartorial statement included a sundress and earmuffs. While it may seem that she lacks a discerning eye and taste by my description, I can assure you this is not the case; she has exacting standards. My daughter will not wear anything that is itchy/tight/hot/painful. I bought her a super cute T-shirt with a sparkly purse on the front of it a couple of years ago. I knew she would like it because it featured two of her favorite things: sequins and accessories (a double whammy in that it was a sequined accessory!). She was delighted when she saw it, but her delight devolved to disdain when she wore it. Apparently the applique was itchy, so the shirt was a no-go. As a person who has worn clothes that itch, are too tight, and that caused numbness or bleeding, this is a lesson I should heed.</div>
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<strong>Poop anywhere.</strong></div>
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It doesn’t matter if we are in a port-o-potty at a parade route or a church bathroom in a wine country town; if my daughter has to go, she goes. Talk to her during? No problem. Hear an impatient fellow-patron knocking on the door? Sure. Wrong time of day? What’s that? None of these are an impediment to her activity. I think this might be her superpower.<img alt="" class="wp-more-tag mce-wp-nextpage" data-mce-placeholder="1" data-mce-resize="false" data-mce-src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" data-wp-more="nextpage" src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" style="-webkit-box-shadow: none; background-attachment: scroll; background-clip: initial; background-image: url(http://momsmagazine.com/wp-includes/js/tinymce/skins/wordpress/images/pagebreak.png); background-origin: initial; background-position: 50% 50%; background-repeat: repeat-y; background-size: initial; border-radius: 0px; border: 0px; box-shadow: none; cursor: default; display: block; height: 16px; margin: 15px auto 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; width: 482.118072509766px;" title="Page break" /></div>
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<strong>You can never have too many best friends.</strong></div>
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I grew up with a definite sense that a best friend was an item one had in the singular. You might have a lot of good friends, but there was only one <strong><em>best</em></strong> friend. My daughter does not share my view on this issue. If you ask her who her best friend is these days, you will invariably get a list, maybe even with as many as six names on it. In some ways, this is youth. However, I also think this is indicative of a disregard for labels—at least as far as friendship is concerned.</div>
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<strong>Fairies are real.</strong></div>
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A couple of years ago when she was in Kindergarten, I got a couple of emails from some perturbed parents. Apparently, my daughter had convinced all six of her best friends that fairies were real. She explained how you write them a note and hide it in the backyard, and then the next day you went out to see what they left for you. Needless to say, I deeply regretted the library book choice that led to this activity.</div>
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When I was introduced to this concept, I was a little grouchy, too, so I could understand the other parents’ ire. Luckily for me, she forgot about it after a few days—which was great because I heard the fairy was running out of pink Post-it notes she was answering her with…</div>
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<strong>Even Santa can have a bad day.</strong></div>
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Early in the season, my daughter wrote a letter to Santa with what she expected on Christmas morning. Her list was challenging, to say the least. It included an iPhone 6 and an iPad mini (neither of which she had a remote chance of getting) and my personal favorite reach, a puppy. I told her Santa wasn’t going to bring her any of these things but she just sighed and looked at me like I was an idiot as she explained, “Mom! I just put those there so he would get me what I really want.” Diabolical!</div>
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Now that I had been set straight, we mailed the letter to the North Pole (“Santa doesn’t need a zip code. He’s too famous.”). Surprisingly, we got a letter back. Unfortunately, Santa told her in it she had been “a very good boy this year. “</div>
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Good lord, Santa! Lay off the eggnog, you geriatric genius.</div>
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Not sure how to cover the blunder, I hesitated, my mind preoccupied with composing the exact words I wanted to use on the pissy phone call to Santa’s answering service. My daughter on the other hand was neither hesitant nor pissy. She folded the letter up and set it down on the table before she said, “I guess Santa was having a bad day.” Crisis averted.<br />
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I suppose it doesn’t matter what the traditional role of mom and daughter is. If I can teach her things, why couldn’t she teach some things to me? Frankly, she is more mature than me in a few areas anyway. I can only hope one day when I grow up, I will be as wise as my seven-year-old.</div>
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<b>Have you learned any lessons from your kids? I'd love to hear them in the comments!</b><br />
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<b>Post originally published on <a href="http://momsmagazine.com/2015/01/29/life-lessons-taught-seven-year-old/" target="_blank">Moms Magazine.</a></b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-11302411682388445942015-01-09T13:48:00.000-08:002015-01-09T13:48:18.024-08:00Target and I Broke Up…and I Don’t Miss it.<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 28.0pt 56.0pt 84.0pt 112.0pt 140.0pt 168.0pt 196.0pt 224.0pt 3.5in 280.0pt 308.0pt 336.0pt; text-autospace: none;">
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I was this woman:</div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I loved Target. I darkened their door several times a week when I lived equidistant between two of their stores. Where else could you buy a leotard for your preschooler’s dance class, an appropriately priced present for an impending birthday party, and a package of blueberries for $3.99 all in the same place?</span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">(Okay, a couple of places now that I think about it…but that isn’t my point!)</span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Then I moved to a place where Target isn’t. The closest Target is over 30 miles away, which takes 30 minutes if you drive the speed limit. While I likely spent almost that much time driving to my local target in my old stompin’ grounds, somehow this feels FAR. My relationship with Target had become “geographically undesirable.”</span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">So, I broke up with Target…pretty much after I moved. I have been there a total of two times in 14 months. In fact, I had been there so infrequently of late I didn’t bat an eye when they had their data breach in 2013.</span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">If you asked me 14 months ago how to live without Target, I would have answered you, “I couldn’t.” S</span>o steeped in the Target culture, I couldn’t imagine life without its red-accented aisles, resplendent with affordable merchandise. I drank Target’s Market Pantry Knock off Kool-Aid and wiped the chemically stained mustache it left behind on my lip with a satisfied, “Ahhhh!”</div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Now with some distance between us, I see the flaws in our relationship, the flies in the Kool-Aid if you will. Some of you don’t see them. I get you. However, this relationship isn’t healthy, and because I care about you, I feel the need to intervene.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Six Reasons You Need to Break Up with Target:</span></b></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> 1. </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">The dollar bin is today’s bargain, tomorrow’s clutter.</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> Just like you, I have browsed the $1 bins at Target. Even my discerning eye found at least one or two incredible bargains I couldn't resist. However, one week after, said item would undoubtedly find its way under my foot broken and in the way. Just say no, ladies. There’s a reason it only costs $1.</span><br />
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Some of the $1 bin items are $3</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">. Okay, so a measly $2 isn’t going to break the bank, but mixing in $3 stuff with $1 stuff is sneaky. Period.</span><br />
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">3.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Target fashion is an oxymoron.</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> Unless you want to wear the same thing as every other bedraggled mom in the Tri-State area, buying anything at Target to wear is a losing proposition. I know…Isaac Mizrahi is a judge on Project Runway. But he doesn’t send any of the clothes he sells at Target down that runway, does he? The clothes sporting his name at Target are designed for inexpensive construction by a child not much older than the one tugging at your sleeve begging for another bag of popcorn. If you do buy something, forget about washing it. I never had a piece of Target clothing return from the laundry in wearable condition. Wear it until you can’t spot clean it anymore and just throw it in the trash.</span><br />
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">4.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">If you want to punish your feet, buy Target’s shoes.</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> It’s undeniable; Target has cute, inexpensive shoes. They are also torturous to wear and inevitably end up looking cute in the shoe rack as you reach past them for the old shoes you were trying to replace. At least you don’t bleed when you wear those.</span><br />
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">5.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">The food at the Target Snack Stand is nasty.</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> I applaud Target’s attempts to give us healthy choices to feed our children (alongside the unnaturally blue, high fructose corn syrup laden Slurpee dispenser). But it’s gross. Whenever I go to the Target snack stand, I smell feet. We only bought popcorn…they can’t put feet in that, right?</span><br />
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">6.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Get Poppin’.</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> Speaking of popcorn, I have an ax to grind with Target’s, “We usually pop popcorn after 10 a.m. policy.” Dear Target: My three-year-old doesn’t give a hoot that it’s 9 a.m. The only way I could coerce him in here without a three-alarm meltdown was to promise popcorn, so crank up the popper right before you unlock the door, for the love of Pete!</span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I know some you think I’m just wrong. Maybe I am. Maybe I created these faults to help me cope with my loss. However, if you search your feelings, you will acknowledge there is a ring of truth here that cannot be denied, even for the most fervent Target devotees. </span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I encourage you to resist. When the Market Pantry Kool-Aid knockoff is passed to you, say, “No thank you!”, stride past the hello kitty socks for $1, breathe through your mouth by the feet smelling snack stand and head back to your car. In just 426 more days, you won’t even miss it.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-64675483906032967982014-10-30T20:37:00.001-07:002016-10-20T10:06:41.144-07:00A Halloween Carol<div class="MsoNormal">
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<i>At the first house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me:<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>A muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i><br />
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<i>At the second house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Two wobbly thighs <o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>At the third house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Three sugar fits, <o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Two wobbly thighs<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>At the fourth house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>At the fifth house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>At the sixth house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Six double chins,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Mr3UU1UAT5E/VFL2Ab89MZI/AAAAAAAAA2g/WC09EEoyxk0/s1600/imgres-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Mr3UU1UAT5E/VFL2Ab89MZI/AAAAAAAAA2g/WC09EEoyxk0/s1600/imgres-2.jpg" /></a><i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>At the seventh house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Seven brand new stretch marks,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Six double chins,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>At the eighth house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Eight pounds of milkfat,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Seven brand new stretch marks,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Six double chins,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>At the ninth house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me, <o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Nine swollen ankles<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Eight pounds of milkfat,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Seven brand new stretch marks,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Six double chins,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZfOPCq1ixqM/VFL2zmX3bWI/AAAAAAAAA2o/NgFOam9YUP8/s1600/double-chin-exercise.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZfOPCq1ixqM/VFL2zmX3bWI/AAAAAAAAA2o/NgFOam9YUP8/s1600/double-chin-exercise.jpg" width="200" /></a><i>At the tenth house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Ten heart rates leaping,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Nine swollen ankles<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Eight pounds of milkfat,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Seven brand new stretch marks,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Six double chins,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>At the eleventh house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Eleven Arteries Clogging<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Ten heart rates leaping,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Nine swollen ankles<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Eight pounds of milkfat,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Seven brand new stretch marks,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Six double chins,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>And a muffin top for my jeans.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the twelfth house for Halloween, my neighbor gave to me,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Type 2 Diabetes</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Eleven Arteries Clogging<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Ten heart rates leaping,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Nine swollen ankles<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Eight pounds of milkfat,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Seven brand new stretch marks,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Six double chins,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Five flabby wings.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Four pounding headaches,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Three sugar fits,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Two wobbly thighs,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wm5cnzO9lY4/VFLz0LrJdUI/AAAAAAAAA2A/IytvWqSKh6A/s1600/imgres-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wm5cnzO9lY4/VFLz0LrJdUI/AAAAAAAAA2A/IytvWqSKh6A/s1600/imgres-1.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>And a muffin top for my jeans!!!</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uYzK6f9j5as/VFLztA7ViII/AAAAAAAAA14/aPl4w9PjJvs/s1600/images-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="104" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uYzK6f9j5as/VFLztA7ViII/AAAAAAAAA14/aPl4w9PjJvs/s1600/images-4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-42471440505641692612014-09-26T07:21:00.000-07:002014-09-26T07:21:26.369-07:00The Day Mommy Decided Not to Clean<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CzmlgOEFVJM/VB9EN8z1joI/AAAAAAAAAwU/E7X89WBqScM/s1600/Big%2BRoom%2B5pm%2B2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CzmlgOEFVJM/VB9EN8z1joI/AAAAAAAAAwU/E7X89WBqScM/s1600/Big%2BRoom%2B5pm%2B2.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's the Bizarro Pottery Barn Catalog!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span>What would happen if one day mommy decided not to clean? This past Saturday, I discovered the answer.<br />
<br />
I engaged in an experiment. It started based on an argument I had with my husband the night before where he complained that the house didn’t need to be as clean as I thought it needed to be all the time. </div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">Thoroughly offended, I decided to see just how shambolic the house would get if I left everything up to my family to clean. Maturity has never been one of my stronger suits (although seriously, my vocabulary rocks!).</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">So I decided to test his theory and didn't clean up like I usually did. I mean, I did nothing. I didn’t put glasses away. I didn’t pick up trash on the floor. I didn’t ask anyone to pick up their shoes, make their beds, put the dirty clothes away, take out the trash, or bring in the barrels from the curb…nothing. Later in the day, I also ruled out closing cabinet doors and drawers for my untidy roommates. </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Little did I know that no one in the house had any perception of disorder besides me. I also didn’t realize how ingrained it is for me to pick up after everyone. I picked things up and then forced myself to put them right back down at least ten times. Needless to say, I felt completely pissed off at everyone who lives here. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I took these photos at 2:30 pm Pacific Time. Just to be clear, I debated about whether to show these photos online. That’s how irritated and embarrassed I am. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rpqtmk9L494/VB9DIgt59yI/AAAAAAAAAwM/FROu1HiHRZ8/s1600/IMG_1008.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rpqtmk9L494/VB9DIgt59yI/AAAAAAAAAwM/FROu1HiHRZ8/s1600/IMG_1008.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I either need less remotes or a bigger table...</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ohuGIymHoQk/VB9FX2ziMZI/AAAAAAAAAwo/l7wiLZUcZJc/s1600/Barrels.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ohuGIymHoQk/VB9FX2ziMZI/AAAAAAAAAwo/l7wiLZUcZJc/s1600/Barrels.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey look! My neighbors across the street must be doing the same experiment!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O7UMOUDtLuc/VB9Fk5xLJkI/AAAAAAAAAxU/8eNQZP6riv8/s1600/Candyland.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O7UMOUDtLuc/VB9Fk5xLJkI/AAAAAAAAAxU/8eNQZP6riv8/s1600/Candyland.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Part of me wants to just sweep this infernal game out the slider...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_uo-Qs3rRyE/VB9FgVBjrOI/AAAAAAAAAxE/EuMrJXltGiw/s1600/Brentons%2BRoom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_uo-Qs3rRyE/VB9FgVBjrOI/AAAAAAAAAxE/EuMrJXltGiw/s1600/Brentons%2BRoom.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The sad thing is that this is typically my neater child.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oxSl-1Br-jc/VB9FhKV7V8I/AAAAAAAAAxM/UBnu9Tuu1ps/s1600/Blankets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oxSl-1Br-jc/VB9FhKV7V8I/AAAAAAAAAxM/UBnu9Tuu1ps/s1600/Blankets.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fort blankets...I really hate forts.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Td5KraBW3Dg/VB9FpcNUQqI/AAAAAAAAAxc/EjsJYuqVSvs/s1600/Cinnamon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Td5KraBW3Dg/VB9FpcNUQqI/AAAAAAAAAxc/EjsJYuqVSvs/s1600/Cinnamon.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The white line at the bottom concerns me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GsE7R86RLMg/VB9FyOt_8jI/AAAAAAAAAx0/fEENpby7ES4/s1600/Glasses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GsE7R86RLMg/VB9FyOt_8jI/AAAAAAAAAx0/fEENpby7ES4/s1600/Glasses.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ooops! One of those smoothie glasses was mine.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-o1nbD4ccF2s/VB9F3poGHpI/AAAAAAAAAyE/Zc3ad0zdTmQ/s1600/Hayden%2BBedroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-o1nbD4ccF2s/VB9F3poGHpI/AAAAAAAAAyE/Zc3ad0zdTmQ/s1600/Hayden%2BBedroom.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Honestly, this is typical. Neatness is not one of her natural talents...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oYDGZaBkSfM/VB9F5k-NodI/AAAAAAAAAyM/zTQU8K4rPQc/s1600/Kids%2BBathroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oYDGZaBkSfM/VB9F5k-NodI/AAAAAAAAAyM/zTQU8K4rPQc/s1600/Kids%2BBathroom.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Clean teeth, filthy bathroom.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">It is important to me to tell you that the house is messy, not dirty (well, except for maybe the kitchen floor…it’s always pretty vile). We clean every Saturday, except this one, of course. I have a strict regimen of chores with specific standards for completion that my kids choose from each Saturday morning. </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z8Dvjf6O6rs/VB9NWC6v5nI/AAAAAAAAAzk/Sjc3_YVjpQs/s1600/Chore%2BList.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-z8Dvjf6O6rs/VB9NWC6v5nI/AAAAAAAAAzk/Sjc3_YVjpQs/s1600/Chore%2BList.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">They call it chore-morning. Or as we mom's call it, morning.</span><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;"> </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">By 5pm, the mess had spread and I was positively fuming.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DhTQ0MncKwA/VB9FcmKpojI/AAAAAAAAAw8/JwnuckqeUlM/s1600/Big%2BRoom%2B5pm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DhTQ0MncKwA/VB9FcmKpojI/AAAAAAAAAw8/JwnuckqeUlM/s1600/Big%2BRoom%2B5pm.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">Facing dinnertime in the house of the clutter, I wondered where on earth I was going to serve it! I decided to tell the kids to set the table and see what happens. If this coffee can placement is any indication however, I didn’t have high hopes.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cWXUoWOhM78/VB9FsY3DKZI/AAAAAAAAAxk/b6nIISn_vr8/s1600/Coffee%2Bcan%2Bin%2BButter%2BDish.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cWXUoWOhM78/VB9FsY3DKZI/AAAAAAAAAxk/b6nIISn_vr8/s1600/Coffee%2Bcan%2Bin%2BButter%2BDish.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: start;">No, seriously…just put that coffee can anywhere.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">At 5:44pm, my husband came in from his bike ride. He was looking at his stats online just as I was finishing up dinner. I still wasn’t saying anything about the mess and neither was he. The only acknowledgement between us that the house was messy was when he asked me why I was taking pictures of the house earlier, questions to which my answers were purposefully vague. Instead, we had a normal conversation amid the piles of junk mail, trash, dirty dishes and abandoned board games. He told me about his ride, asked about dinner, and went to take a shower.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I was keeping my cool, but just barely. I wanted to scream out in my most sarcastic tone, “Seriously?” but I maintained my composure. I decided to serve dinner buffet style and let everyone figure out where to sit to eat it. I called everyone to dinner.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">My husband came in from the shower, no doubt having just stepped over the towels and clothes still on the floor from last night. </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-A9VxQkrX17Y/VB9GCQv7TsI/AAAAAAAAAyc/gn6_TxtxL6g/s1600/Master%2BBath.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-A9VxQkrX17Y/VB9GCQv7TsI/AAAAAAAAAyc/gn6_TxtxL6g/s1600/Master%2BBath.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I also like how the shower head is left to dangle.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">First he says, “Wow, dinner looks great!” Not a bad start. </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Then he said words that made me love him more than ever. “Kids, I have an announcement to make: after we eat we are going to clean up this house. This house is an absolute disaster.”</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I knew there was a reason I married this guy.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I started this experiment to teach my family a lesson. The funny thing is that I was the one who learned things from it. Although it pains me to admit it, messy wasn’t all bad. On the plus side, I had time to write this post, read my book, and take a nap in my unmade bed. So I guess living in a chaotic pit has its advantages. The most important thing I learned is that my husband likes it tidy, too, even if he doesn’t get itchy about the state of things as quickly as I do.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">So is it kind of tricky and underhanded to run an experiment like this? Absolutely. Was it worth it? Definitely. Is my house clean today? </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XAVjUfQPVr0/VB9NFNA3apI/AAAAAAAAAzc/P7gHFUKh4Dc/s1600/Clean%2BBig%2BRoom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XAVjUfQPVr0/VB9NFNA3apI/AAAAAAAAAzc/P7gHFUKh4Dc/s1600/Clean%2BBig%2BRoom.jpg" height="239" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
You Betcha!</div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-50965902104162090312014-09-05T08:34:00.002-07:002014-09-05T08:34:23.437-07:00How I Spent My Summer Vacation<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xqTAHayPxMU/VAiY0AU56WI/AAAAAAAAAqc/irV970xMlpk/s1600/Woman%2Bon%2Bbeach%2BRelaxing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xqTAHayPxMU/VAiY0AU56WI/AAAAAAAAAqc/irV970xMlpk/s1600/Woman%2Bon%2Bbeach%2BRelaxing.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As if!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">By Terri
Lively <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">It’s
official. Summer vacation is over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
time of year always makes me feel nostalgic, and not just because I have a
second to think since my older two kids are at school for the better part of
the day. I am sure each of you has at some point participated in the annual
back-to-school essay topic, “How I Spent My Summer Vacation.” In the spirit of
back-to-school euphoria, I offer you mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I<b>
shuttled my kids to every affordable day camp I could find.</b> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">In truth,
they should call summer vacation, "Summer-child-care-will-break-you-ation." I
spent well into the 4 figures this year keeping all my kids occupied so I can
pursue my writing career. Since I am not exactly a bestselling author, my
business was operating on the break-even theory for the weeks my kids were in
camp. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Camp weeks
were infinitely better than the weeks they weren’t in camp, however as non-camp
weeks were operating on the don’t-break-anything-over-their-little-heads
theory. That phrase served as a mantra for me as the threadlike strand of my last
nerve strained and trembled in the mounting pressure of trying to create magic
in my office that doesn’t have a door while my kids were home. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I said no
to screen time. A lot. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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I mentioned
before in <a href="http://terrilively.blogspot.com/2014/05/tv.html">my post about TV</a> how I created frenzy about the magical talking box
by limiting it to one hour a day. My progeny now value this hour above all
others in their day. Considering that we now have iPods, computer, Wii (we are
old school here), and TV, I had to extend the limit to two hours and call it
all “screen time.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">So when the
amount of “screen time” is limited to two hours, the result was that by 9:30am,
they had used all their media time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now
I had distasteful duty of saying, “No!” for the next 11 hours to the constant
and desperate query, “Mom, can I watch a show/play the Wii/have more computer
time/use the iPad/play Minecraft?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">How many
times did I do this? Let’s just give a low of estimate five times a day per
kid times 85 days in summer vacation…425 times. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Tried to
clean the gunky ice cream dried on the bench in the kitchen for eight weeks</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Right at
the beginning of summer vacation, we had a celebratory ice cream cone party at
our house. What we were celebrating, I don’t remember but you can bet that it
was my kids’ celebration, not mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">My three-year-old
had a cone as well, but since he only knows how to start a cone and not how to
finish it, he left it on the bench in my kitchen, to melt into a disturbing
sticky puddle of goo. At some point, I picked up the cone and tossed it,
blanching at the mess underneath. No doubt in my fastidious efforts to stay the
destruction of my house and belongings by my progeny, I went to go clean up the
mess by retrieving the proper cleaning supplies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">My only
guess is that I discovered the batteries were all over the counter in the
laundry room where I keep the cleaning supplies needed for the ice cream mess,
and so I put them away. When I started to leave the laundry room, I noticed a
broken picture frame that had been knocked off the wall next to an abandoned
light saber, in the hallway. So I went to get the vacuum to clean up the glass,
when I found that the filter for the vacuum was still outside drying in the sun
since I had rinsed it out after cleaning up the popcorn mess from the night
before. When I went to get the filter, I noticed that the gravel had been
tossed all over the patio (also by the three-year-old) so I started tossing it
back in the planter…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">This
activity went on for eight weeks, like a frustrating version of, “When You Give
a Mouse a Cookie.” Only mine is, “When You Give a Mom a Cleaning Task.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">And the
gooey, foamy ice cream mess is still there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I found my
inner rat hunter</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">There is a
neighborhood cat, Hurley, who prowls our tract. She is lovely and loves us, so
she spends a lot of time at our house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Hurley, who
is not my cat, caught a rat one day and brought it to us. The only problem was
it wasn’t dead. Hurley, who is not my cat, set the rat down in my house where,
after a comical bout around my living room accompanied by much screaming and
squealing by all of us, it ended up inside my couch. Since we were leaving on
vacation the next day for a week, this was a bit of a problem for me. It was
not a problem for the cat, apparently, because Hurley, who is not my cat, lost
interest and left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">After we
had put the kids to bed, I found my husband on the rat couch, eating ice cream,
and watching a movie. I said, “Should we be sitting here on the couch with a
rat in it?” He assured me that the rat left while we were putting the kids to
bed. For some reason, I believed him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Later,
after Brenton fell asleep, the rat reappeared. I resumed my frantic squealing,
rousing my husband into action from a dead sleep. Arming ourselves with
weaponry (brooms), we battled the rat for the next 45 minutes, simply trying to
escort it back outside. It was a struggle. At one point after missing the rat,
my husband dropped his broom, raised his hands in the air and squealed like a
little girl. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">He redeemed
himself. He soon gave the rat a slap shot right into the wall. If it had been a
cartoon, that rat would have had little birdies floating around its head. Then
together we sprang into frenetic broom action that would have made an Olympic
Curling team proud and evicted that rat from our home, where the rat sat on
the mat (in truth, the rat passed out on the mat, but that didn't rhyme!).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Leaning his
hands against the now closed door and hanging his head as he realized I would recount this event to <i>everyone</i> I
know, Brenton said, “I would appreciate it if in the retelling of this story
there is more emphasis on the slap shot and less on the squealing.” Consider it
emphasized, mighty rat hunter! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The rat
also disappeared, although whether it died from blunt force trauma to the head,
just woke up and walked away or was confiscated by Hurley, who is not my cat,
is unknown to this day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">So that’s
how I spent my summer vacation. How did you spend yours? I’d love to hear your
stories in the comments below.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-73594674068750851212014-08-23T09:00:00.000-07:002014-08-23T09:19:59.834-07:006 Things I Know You Forgot about Oklahoma!<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: 28.0pt 56.0pt 84.0pt 112.0pt 140.0pt 168.0pt 196.0pt 224.0pt 3.5in 280.0pt 308.0pt 336.0pt; text-autospace: none;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MtaTbESwuPM/U_i3_nD3C8I/AAAAAAAAAqA/rqzsIhLKK-g/s1600/Oklahoma!%2BStamp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MtaTbESwuPM/U_i3_nD3C8I/AAAAAAAAAqA/rqzsIhLKK-g/s1600/Oklahoma!%2BStamp.jpg" height="317" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This Musical no longer gets my stamp of approval!<br />
<b><br /></b>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<b>
</b></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><b>By Terri Lively</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">When I saw
that the local theatre company was staging <i>Oklahoma!</i> I thought, “Wow! A
wholesome, family friendly musical for me and the kids.” So I bought tickets,
got them all excited about going to the show, and celebrated the initiation of their training for
proper musical theatre nerd status.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">It wasn’t
until we were halfway through the show that I remembered how weird the musical <i>Oklahoma!</i>
is. So I composed a list, because I am sure that you forgot these things, too.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><b>6 Things You Probably Forgot about <i>Oklahoma!</i></b></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: .25in 56.0pt 84.0pt 112.0pt 140.0pt 168.0pt 196.0pt 224.0pt 3.5in 280.0pt 308.0pt 336.0pt; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">It’s kind of racist</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">. For whatever reason, the Oklahoma territory had regular visits from
traveling Persian named Ali Hakim. The part was originally written with Groucho
Marx in mind, although why I am sure I don’t know. Everyone refers to him as
the Per-si-an (with much emphasis on each drawl-ridden syllables), which is
fine, I suppose, as long as you are wearing your pillowcase over your head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Laurey’s a huffer</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">. Thanks to our per-si-an friend, Laurey dabbles in inhalant abuse,
sniffing the wicked vapors of the Egyptian Smelling Salts he sells her. Why?
Because she can’t decide what to do about who is going to take her to the box
social (more on that later). Of course, even Wikipedia knows that he slipped
her opium (can’t trust those per-si-ans). It’s no wonder she has such a bad
trip in the dream ballet sequence. Just say no, Laurey! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Aunt Eller commits
a felony.</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> When the farmer and the cowman clearly
can’t be friends and fisticuffs ensue, cheerful and gregarious Aunt Eller fires
a shotgun in the air and threatens to shoot whoever can’t get back to gaily
dancing, like a regular 50 Cent on the Prairie. Later at the end of the play we
learn that both a federal marshal and judge were present at the gathering, both
of whom she threatened with a deadly weapon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">They have a "Box Social."</span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> Yep. The second act begins with an
unfortunately named event where men bid top dollar to eat the woman’s goodies
in her basket. The woman has to turn over her goods to the highest bidder,
whether she wants to or not. And even though not one woman brings her goodies
in anything other than a basket, they still call it a box social. I don’t make
this stuff up, people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; tab-stops: .25in 56.0pt 84.0pt 112.0pt 140.0pt 168.0pt 196.0pt 224.0pt 3.5in 280.0pt 308.0pt 336.0pt; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span></b><!--[endif]--><b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Curley’s friends
are tools. </span></b><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">When it’s obvious to everyone that creepy
Jud is about to help himself to Laurey’s goodies (against her will, I might
add), no one tries to save her by bidding more money for her basket. One of the
characters even says, “Too rich for my blood, Aunt Eller!” However, when Curley
desperately tries to get Laurey’s goodies in his own safe hands by selling all
his valuables at fire sale prices, all of sudden people have $10 for a saddle
or $18 for a gun (no three-day wait period or background checks in the
territory, I guess).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Funny, just a
minute ago you didn’t have $6.50 to save an innocent girl from aggravated
picnicking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tools. <b><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">When I
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<span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Maybe next time we should just go to a
nice, family musical…like <i>Sweeney Todd</i>.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-61102741582536713502014-07-26T09:00:00.000-07:002014-07-26T15:36:43.809-07:00Woman without Kids: Why You Don’t Understand What it Means to be a Mother<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XeSaOEcFwd0/U9PPk7NjEgI/AAAAAAAAAm4/58fTepiYJOA/s1600/Feet+of+Deuce2--Home-February,+2006--IMG_2265.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XeSaOEcFwd0/U9PPk7NjEgI/AAAAAAAAAm4/58fTepiYJOA/s1600/Feet+of+Deuce2--Home-February,+2006--IMG_2265.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">By Terri Lively<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">On BlogHer.com I read a great article called, “<a href="http://www.blogher.com/10-things-parents-shouldnt-say-non-parents?from=pop">10
Things Parents Shouldn’t Say to Non-Parents</a>.” She writes that she loves her
dogs like kids and doesn’t understand why her friends don’t ever go out with
her anymore. She also gets a little judgmental about the punctuality of her
friends with kids. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I, like every other mother who read this, took offense to some
of these items. After that initial reaction had passed, however, I recognized a
little of my former self in her words. I started to write a long response to
her, which then turned into this post:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dear Helene in
Between,<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I read your
article last night, shivering on a towel at Movies In the Park that was showing
one of the worst kids movies of all time, “The Lego Movie,” which I have now
had the pleasure of seeing twice even though I have yet to see the Tom Cruise
movie that I really wanted to see that came out two months ago.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After I packed up
all our stuff, with one hand because my 3-year-old was asleep on my shoulder
and waited ten minutes to use a gross smelling park bathroom with my other two
kids still holding the sleeping toddler because they simply couldn’t wait until
we got home, although we would have been home already in the ten minutes we
waited, I was still thinking about it. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After I shuffled
the two awake children through a shortened version of the bedtime routine,
meaning teeth and potty (yes, again), trudged in to load the last of the dinner
dishes and set the dishwasher to wash because I had to hurry my dinner cleanup
routine so we didn’t miss a minute of the cinematic masterpiece in the park,
and moved a load of laundry over from the washer to the dryer so it would be
ready for me to fold at 6am, which is when for good or ill my children will
rise even on a Saturday, I was still thinking about it. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After rising at
6am and feeding cereal to my kids and caving in already about letting them have
the iPad even though I am HYPER aware of how much screen time they get and try
to put it off as long as possible, I decided I would respond.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I like your
article. I probably would have written this list, too, before I had kids. I do
remember how you feel. When your friends say you don’t understand, however, I
have to agree. We say that you don't understand because you don't, simply put.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But don't feel
bad. I didn't. Your friends didn't. Your own mother didn't. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That's probably a
good thing because the change is so transformational that it comes with a lot
of difficult emotions that many of us have a hard time processing (hence the
mommy blogs). I don't think I knew how much I would give up to be a mom before
I became one. It's not easy, especially when you have a pretty developed sense
of self as I did. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had a friend at
work who was a man, and we decided to get our significant others together for
dinner. I met his wife, who was great, too, but quickly learned that all she
talked about was her kids. I thought, "Good grief! Don't you have anything
else to talk about?" Now I know that she might not have.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There is a line
you cross when you have kids where all of sudden you are not the most important
thing anymore. You take all the things that are important to you and put them
second to what your children need. In a lot of cases, you give up things
entirely. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And while it
sounds INSANE to you right now, your dogs whom you love dearly would get put up
for adoption if the doctor told you that your kid was having an allergic
reaction to them and was having trouble breathing. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had a dog that I
loved like my kids. I took her on two walks a day. I bought her special,
expensive dog food. I read books on how to communicate with her. I paid
thousands of dollars to the Vet to take care of her hurt paw and poop issues. I
planned my vacations around where I could bring her along. When I couldn’t
bring her on trips for business, I missed her, and when I came home, I got
excited down in the pit of my stomach because I was going to see her again. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When I was
pregnant with my oldest child, people I knew told me that I would feel
different about my dog when I had kids. They told me that she would become a
dog. I smiled and laughed politely, but deep down inside I thought, “Maybe
that’s how it went with your dog, you heartless creeps, but I love my dog.” <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After I had my
child, I forgot to feed my dog for two days. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I tell you this so
that you can have those same judgmental feelings that I had for my friends when
they told me stories like this. It’s important that you have them so that if
you do choose to have children down the road you will understand that you are
not a heartless creep for doing things like this. It’s just part and parcel of
the parenthood journey.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Before kids, I was
a lot less vulnerable and way more in control of my life. Now I have to push
the anxiety away daily that I am not doing this right, that I can't keep them
safe enough, or that I'm not living up to my responsibility to my children.
It's difficult to live a life with doubt and anxiety as your constant companion
but if you have read any of the aforementioned mommy blogs, then you understand
that they are every mothers constant companion.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You should know
that I also agree with you. Your friends do need to go out with you more. They
need to find a babysitter for the rare occasions when you don’t want children
at the event. It’s not only respectful of you, but it is critically important
to them. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s way too easy
to put ourselves second and never accept the invitations of our friends because
it’s a hassle for us. I would argue, however that these moments where we are
forced to be a person on our own instead of so-in-so’s mother remind us of the
women we used to be. She had many great qualities as well and sometimes we
really miss her. So it’s nice to see her again, even if it’s just for an
evening. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And it’s also nice
to let an f-bomb fly without an immediate guilty glance around for little
ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s important for you to know that when we say our lives were unfulfilling before
we had kids, it’s not a judgment of your life or choices. What we are trying to
tell you was that before we had kids we didn’t understand the absolutely
crushing, overwhelming, and humbling love that we feel for these little people
that we are charged with raising. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Not one mother I
know would hesitate to jump in front of a speeding car to push their child out
of the way or think twice about donating a kidney to save their life. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are moments
in our day that are so heart-warming and pure that we tear up with joy—which
before I had kids was a rare occurrence unless I was at a musical. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But I also think
it's important for those of us with kids to remember how when we say these
things that we can come off as obnoxious. But I promise you that we don't mean
to be. We still love you and want to be your friend, even if you don’t
understand what it means to have kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks for the
perspective today-<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #4d4d4d; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Terri<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-42243858043041236792014-06-13T14:51:00.000-07:002014-06-18T12:41:17.718-07:005 Really Important Things I Just Filled Out on a Form for Day Camp<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qCOsk-9XX7M/U5ifj43kSkI/AAAAAAAAAfU/xtRRQevg6vI/s1600/Forms+image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qCOsk-9XX7M/U5ifj43kSkI/AAAAAAAAAfU/xtRRQevg6vI/s1600/Forms+image.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
By Terri Lively </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just spent 40 minutes filling out forms for my kids to go
to Day Camp. <o:p></o:p>There are forms at school, at the doctor, at the dentist, at soccer, at gymnastics, and anywhere else you go. I find it hard to believe in today’s day and age that I still have to fill out forms for my children with paper and pen. Each time I am faced with this task a voice inside my head says, “Isn’t there an App for this?”</div>
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<br />
Nope. And so here we are 40 minutes later...</div>
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<br />
I am shocked that we haven’t abandoned this silliness by now. For goodness sakes, we are members
at this facility, isn’t all this information already in the system? And what
really has me spitting nails is that I already did forms like these when my
daughter took Yoga class (I know, very California…they handed out banana shakes
at the end of class. No, not really.) and my son played basketball there.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So when I got the phone call from the camp director saying
she hadn’t received my forms, I was certain when I informed her that I had
already done the form thing for those activities, that would be that. But I was
wrong, naturally. Apparently there are a whole new slew of forms that they need
specifically for Day Camp, to which I responded with a very cheerful,
“Fabulous!” <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It was in fact this cheerful tone that prompted my husband
to hiss at me from across the room to “cool it.” He’s right though; we live in
a small town. Chances are I will run into this lady at the gym or at
Albertson's and I guess he thought she might not have been fooled by my cheery
tone. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So I got to work. Right out of the gates, however, I started
getting crabby when they asked for my home, work and mobile numbers. Do there
really need to be three different phone number lines? Seriously, if you want to
call someone and you don’t start with his or her mobile, I have to wonder if
you should be allowed to use a phone anymore. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I fixed it though. I just wrote my mobile over and over
again. In my case, however that is accurate since it is my mobile, my work, and
my home number. But the phone number lines were just the beginning of the form
hoops I jumped through this evening. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Here are five REALLY
important things I had to fill out on the forms today:</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<b>Whether or not my female child had any abnormal menstrual history</b>:
Now I understand this question at the doctor’s office, when my daughter is at
least 10! But she’s 6. Besides, this is NOT the doctor’s office. What is going
on at Day Camp that my daughter’s menses needs to be on their radar anyway?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br />
<b>Whether or not my child has ever had problems with diarrhea or
constipation:</b> At the risk of revealing too much, who hasn’t? This seems
like a silly question to me. Of course the wise acre in me really wants to tell
them all about it in literary detail. Then, where it says on the form to please
explain any “yes” answers, I would write, “Please see attached three page essay
called, ‘Mom! I Just Peed out My Butt.’”</div>
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<br />
<b>Supplemental Medication Packet:</b> This one was one of my favorites
because you have to sign the form even if your child doesn’t take medication
(which, again, was covered on page 1, right after the three phone number lines).
Now if your child has prescriptions they need to take and they have to take
them at Day Camp, then by all means, fill out the form. But if they don’t take
anything, is it seriously necessary to fill out a form and write, NO MEDS on
it? Yup. Apparently it is. This particular form has the reek of lawyer all over
it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br />
<b>Permission for authorizing the use of sunscreen</b>: Okay, in all fairness
they said they need this one because of allergies and even though we covered
this ad naseum on page 2 of my 12- page packet, I was willing concede that this
form was legitimate. That is, until I read the line where it says, “I authorize
the XXXX staff to directly apply the sunscreen to my child.” So I ask you, how
does one apply sunscreen indirectly? Would that mean if I didn’t initial this
spot that they would have to apply it like the perfume trick where you spray it
in the air and walk through it? Seriously people.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in;">
<br />
<b>Release and waiver of liability and indemnity agreement: </b>This is
where they try to get you to say that it isn’t their fault if your child gets
seriously injured or killed on their watch. Let's just be clear, Day Camp, I'll sign that I'm not gonna sue the pants off of you if you seriously injure or kill my child…but it does not say anywhere that I am not going to go medieval on your a$$. And let's also be clear, I would definitely consider going medieval on your a$$…right before I go ahead and sue the pants off of you anyway, liability and indemnity agreement or not. </div>
<br />
<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I just glanced at the top sheet and realized that I had
better go get the white out. On the first page after I wrote out my husband’s
information and it asked “Relationship”, I responded “Great!” I have a feeling
that might be the kind of cheerful that he was worried about…<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-54701370757627010572014-06-10T11:37:00.000-07:002014-06-10T11:37:03.112-07:00JUST HOW SMART ARE CROWS? By John Ince<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">This is a guest post from my dad. It is important to note that no crows were harmed in the creation of this post</span></span><span style="font-size: 19px; line-height: 20px;">…</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">although I can't say the same for the rabbits.</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FtnWScp5DxY/U5dPnZ-eo4I/AAAAAAAAAfE/KtSA--Ta1gM/s1600/Crow+on+branch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FtnWScp5DxY/U5dPnZ-eo4I/AAAAAAAAAfE/KtSA--Ta1gM/s1600/Crow+on+branch.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>When I was a
very young boy, I did a lot of “hunting”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I guess I should admit that I wasn’t really hunting in the true sense of
the word but rather I was tramping around looking for something to shoot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sad to admit that the something could be
animal, vegetable, or mineral and was nothing more than an excuse to shoot my
rifle, a target if you will. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>Let me quickly add that my specialty was
vegetable and mineral targets because I couldn’t get the hang of hitting a
moving target and most of the animal variety targets understood the game and
refused to be still while I zeroed in and shot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is most but not all animals hauled ass when they saw me coming. <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were some rabbits who thought they could
hide by remaining motionless as I approached.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My trusty dog enjoyed them very much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I guess it never occurred to him that I may have wanted to feast on my
prey or at least share the spoils of the “hunt”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then, even though he was just a dog, he
knew this was not a true hunt and good conduct rules did not apply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, rabbit for dinner was a rare
occurrence and we would have starved to death if limited to the contents of my
game bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>There was
another critter that refused to leave at the first sight of the “mighty
hunter”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The black crow could be counted
on to hold his ground until the last moment before flying off and cawing as
though laughing at his would be attackers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Very strange behavior, and yet it got stranger. The wily old crow never
provided a target that could be satisfying so, in time I began to ignore his
presence altogether.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>On occasion
I would carry a single barrel shotgun instead of my rifle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On one occasion while carrying the shotgun I
looked up and saw a crow watching me from his perch in a nearby tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had allowed me to get very close and had
not yet flown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could not believe how
close the crow and I were.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I had my
rifle the crow would have been shot for sure but I had my shotgun and the crow
was just out of range.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took about two
or three steps to get in range and that rascal flew away, cawing as he went.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>I didn’t
think much about this encounter until several days later while carrying my
rifle in the same area when I saw a crow in the same tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was watching me as before. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know if this was the same crow or one
of his relatives but I remember thinking that I would be able to get a shot at
the crow this time because I now had my rifle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had assumed that
the crow would let me get as close as before but he did not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as I got close enough to take a rifle
shot, off he went cawing all the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>I refused to
let myself draw any conclusions from these two encounters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crows just cannot be that smart, can
they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>In the days
and months that followed, I had many sightings of crows, sometimes while
carrying a rifle and other times a shotgun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I paid very close attention to the actions of the crows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The birds never failed to adjust the range to
the weapon that I carried. It is as if they knew the difference between a rifle
and a shotgun and could identify these different guns at a distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><i>All I can
say is that crows have made a believer out of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are very smart and I am told that crows
can live 50 to 75 years of age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
response to that is to say that I never shortened the life span of a crow with
a rifle or a shotgun…but it wasn’t for lack of trying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><i> </i></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-65050041516320307932014-06-04T17:43:00.000-07:002014-07-24T13:28:48.690-07:00Moving on<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8gmzK2xmSXg/U4-6vmQQHoI/AAAAAAAAAd4/8vGayAd9-RU/s1600/Starter+House.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8gmzK2xmSXg/U4-6vmQQHoI/AAAAAAAAAd4/8vGayAd9-RU/s1600/Starter+House.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
By Terri Lively<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were just back from the honeymoon when we spied the stack
of wedding gifts piled to the ceiling in our dining room. Knowing every inch of
every closet and storage area in our small apartment was already filled to
capacity, we decided it was time to take the plunge. Ready to take on the
responsibility of a mortgage, we began our search for a starter home. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We chose our neighborhood quickly. On day 3, we saw a little
diamond in the rough and knew it could be our new home. On day 5, we put in an
offer, certain that we were buying at the top of the market (we weren’t), and
uncertain that we could afford this house (we could). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As soon as we saw the house, we saw potential for a market
bargain. It had fallen out of escrow and it was vacant. Plus it had been a
rental house for many years so it needed a lot of work in a multitude of areas
inside and out. We put in a ridiculously low offer and crossed our fingers--too
cautious to let ourselves be excited but too young to help it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wLnUZeDRnZY/U4-60CmCrcI/AAAAAAAAAeA/kmRddDO0WUA/s1600/New+House-June,+2001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wLnUZeDRnZY/U4-60CmCrcI/AAAAAAAAAeA/kmRddDO0WUA/s1600/New+House-June,+2001.jpg" height="214" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here it is! We were pretty excited!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We got it. We have a proud picture of Brenton and I standing
in our new driveway, holding our SOLD sign with huge first-time homebuyer’s
grins. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My starter house had a laundry list of deferred maintenance
projects. When I look at photos of the before and after, I can’t believe we
bought it in that condition. But we had vision, and energy. Lots of energy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We spent countless weekends at the beginning of our marriage
learning how to fix our house, our yard, and our partnership. We put hard work
and young love into our house. There wasn’t a room in the house or an inch of
the yard that didn’t have our blood, sweat, or tears poured into it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We loved our neighborhood, too. It had great access to the
kinds of activities we enjoy. We walked our newly acquired dog for miles around
the pathways and adjoining wilderness parks. We also liked the fact that our
then non-existent kids could walk to school without ever crossing a major
street. We marveled at how safe we were and that no one felt the need to lock his
or her doors.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It wasn’t perfect there, though. We were robbed once, although
I think we were definitely asking for it by leaving the garage door up. They
got my diaper bag, the rat-bastards! Luckily, we stopped them before they could
charge too much on my credit cards. And by too much I mean $1,500 in about 90
minutes…because time flies when you are paying T-Mobile bills with someone
else’s credit card.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But because the credit card companies covered all of these
charges, I grieved the most for my diaper bag. It was fabulous, designer, and
stuffed with essentials that I need in my day-to-day life, including my kids’
immunization cards and my son’s favorite stuffed toy. Plus, I had lost my
driver’s license. Just the thought of going to the DMV and having to get it
replaced made me angry enough to want to wring the neck of the little thief
with my bare hands…preferably after I made him or her wait in the DMV line with
me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But in an odd moment of consideration, the thief dropped my
driver’s license in the mail and the post office sent it back to me. I didn’t
know how to feel about it. Grateful? Yes…but I was also aggravated about being
robbed so I guess the best way to put it is. “um…<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Thanks?” </i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p_Dvl3Uqnxc/U4-8XKsChaI/AAAAAAAAAeM/8gNkyEicnvQ/s1600/We+got+Burgled-8-16-08-IMG_9694.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p_Dvl3Uqnxc/U4-8XKsChaI/AAAAAAAAAeM/8gNkyEicnvQ/s1600/We+got+Burgled-8-16-08-IMG_9694.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My look is about the photo, not the burglary...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The police officer dispatched to handle my case was prompt,
detailed, and professional. He was also pretty dismissive about the possibility
of getting any justice for the crime. He indicated that the perp was young,
inexperienced, working alone, and selling my diaper bag at a swap meet that afternoon.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But in spite of our brush with the seamy underside of Orange
County we loved living here still, only now we were much more careful about
putting down the garage door at night. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We added on to that house for 13 years. We added a remodeled
fireplace. We added new kitchen countertops. We added attic and closet storage.
We added a garage organization system. We added a home office. We added a
bedroom. We added three children. In essence, we added a family inside those
walls. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were a couple of times when we tried to sell our
starter home. The first time, however, we decided that we weren’t ready. The
second time though we actually put it on the market. The reality of having your
home on the market is that you want people to come look at it, even if it means
you have to get it ready for a showing just before you head to the hospital to
have your third child--at 5 in the morning. Unfortunately, yes, that is a true
story.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you ever want a lesson in humility, read the comments
buyers make about your house that you get from the realtors. It will drive you
to drink…if you don’t already from having to keep your house spotless,
clutter-free with three young kids, and without any personalization whatsoever
for weeks at a time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While we were wrong about buying our house at the top of the
market, we were spot on about the fact that we were selling it at the lowest
depth of it. We were competing with short sales and foreclosures. This was a
time in real estate best summed up with the Limbo-song lyric: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How loooow can you go</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t sell. So we took it off the market,
resigned to make it work a while longer. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But life happens and this past fall we moved. Instead of
selling, we put it on the market for rent. Meanwhile, packers came and packed
up our lives. Movers moved it out on the truck. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When they were done, I walked through my empty house, seeing
the memories of our lives playing out before my eyes like scenes from a movie before
they faded into memories. Then quick, like a Band-Aid, I loaded my kids in the
car and headed off to our new adventure. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched my home as I drove away in my rear view mirror,
like I usually did because I was obsessed with making sure the garage door was closed.
But this time I wasn’t just running errands or going to the gym. I was leaving
my home behind. I watched it until I turned off my street and it disappeared
behind me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before our renters moved in, I went back to my house. I felt
emotional as I passed by the kitchen sink where I had washed my babies until
they were probably a little too old for it. I gasped when I saw the curtains
from the nursery thrown in the middle of the garage floor. I scowled at the
Navaho white on the walls, painted over all the vibrant colors that I had
carefully chosen over the years to express the spirit of our home, which were
now the color of gravel or tofu. I swallowed hard as I passed the spot outside
the new bedroom where I hid outside the door not wanting to disturb them while listening
to my two oldest children sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" in
their tiny little voices for the first time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But my breaking point was when I saw that the painters had scraped
off all the little glow-in-the-dark stars we had put on the ceilings above
where my children slept. I found them all scattered on the floor discarded like
trash along with the crumpled up masking tape and bits of plastic. So I picked
them all up, put them in a plastic bag, and cried like a baby. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cried for my starter home that was stripped of all of us,
like the ceilings were of the little plastic stars that I clutched in my hand.
I cried from the stress of moving so far away. I cried about the uncertainty
that we could ever find a home we loved as much as this one. I sobbed about it
all there on the Pergo floor with my 2-and-a-half-year old patting my shoulder
saying, "Don’t cry…it will be okay, mama.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems a little silly, now, to cry over a house. It is,
after all, only bunch of wood, drywall and stucco that made up of walls, doors,
windows and everything else all contained under a roof. The people who live
there are who makes it home.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I was sad that we were no longer living in our starter
house, I like my new house. My new house feels like home now, mostly because of
the family that is here with me in it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Realtors call them starter homes. But they call them that
because they are referring to the fact that it is the first house you can
afford that will help you get into the next house down the line. But starter home
has a whole other connotation to me. It was the first house that we could afford
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> it was the place where we started
our family. It was in my starter home that I really started my life. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It turns out that my little guy, wise beyond his years, was
right. I am okay. When I see photos of our early life in our old house, I no
longer feel the need to widen my eyes to hide the tears that are pooling on my
lower eyelashes. Well, most of the time, anyway. Our starter home was the
scenery for the play that was our lives and like a traveling theatre company it
was time we were moving on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-73069200864187947602014-05-23T18:17:00.001-07:002014-06-11T11:38:24.462-07:00TV<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jIHgqbjVkIQ/U3_wEVfcELI/AAAAAAAAAdg/3QfugfwwKHo/s1600/TV+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jIHgqbjVkIQ/U3_wEVfcELI/AAAAAAAAAdg/3QfugfwwKHo/s1600/TV+.jpg" height="299" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By Terri Lively<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have had a relationship with TV all my life. As a child, the
TV was as much a part of my family as family dinner or Saturday chores. We all
watched shows together, with all of us crammed in our living room, gathered
around the TV that was so huge and clunky by today’s standards that it could
have served as a boat anchor if need be, and not for a little boat either.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The amount of TV I watched as a child had no limits. I suspect
this is because I am the fourth child of four. By the time I came along, my parents
were too exhausted to keep up the high standards for child rearing that they
started out with, a concept that required both constant vigilance and demand of
perfection. As a result, my eldest brother (who got their best stuff) is a
high-powered executive millionaire, and I (who grew up watching reruns of Facts
of Life after swim practice) am a writer pecking out articles for what amounts
to minimum wage.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I blame TV. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A friend of mine said, “the only thing TV ever gave me was
unrealistic expectations.” I agree. I had unrealistic expectations. What I saw
on TV was that I was as talented and clever as any of those people. I was
convinced that I would be a TV star if I just worked hard enough at it. Read <a href="http://terrilively.blogspot.com/2013/06/wrestling-at-2-am.html">this post</a>
if you want to see what happened when I tested that concept.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now TV serves as a babysitter for me. I know…I can just
picture all the mothers reading this cringe. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of you are judging me. Heck, I am judging
me as I type it. But it’s a fact that no mother gets a better chance at peace
when managing her children then when they are watching TV. Not even the
computer--that inexplicably can lose wireless, sound, or be stuck in the
spinning wheel of death mode for hours--can transfix rowdy and demanding
children better and more sustainably than the TV. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Early on in my parenting I was warned of the evils of
letting your children watch too much TV. Vague recollections about reduced brain
activity levels and higher risk of attention deficit disorder come to mind. I have
a shadowy memory of some article that said kids that watch violence at too
early an age are prone to drug and alcohol use. Not to mention all the moms
that I really looked up to simply didn’t allow their children to watch TV. So I
didn’t either. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That isn’t exactly true, I guess. I did let them watch two
shows, a number chosen so they each could pick one. And back then, it was only on PBS kids, so shows like Super Why or Word World'. Never anything with commericials.
Never anything with violence or sarcasm. Always a program intended to enrich
little minds with an eagerness for knowledge and a desire to learn to read.
This not only enriched my little progenies' minds, but also gave mommy a very
much needed sanity break from their constant need for attention and dictatorial
demands! I really looked forward to their TV time. I still do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My kids learned about “other” channels at the gym. In my
post, “<a href="http://terrilively.blogspot.com/search?q=Sweat+and+Starve">There
is No Substitute for the Sweat and Starve</a>,” I chronicle my journey to joining
the gym. It was a godsend. But when I started putting my kids in the childcare
they provide, I was dismayed to see the TV in the corner. This meant that in
addition to the TV time they got at home, they now got an hour of TV at the
gym. AND it wasn’t PBS kids. It was a NICK channel and it had…COMMERCIALS!!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was shocked. I was distressed. I was a control freak. I
asked if we could change it to PBS, but was informed by the ladies that ran the
daycare that they “No can change channel aqui.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I faced an important choice: take them out of the daycare
and try to do some push ups and sit ups at home between changing batteries and
fetching drinks and things off of high shelves for my kids, or unpucker and
permit a little more traditional TV to poison my children’s pristine minds
while I got some much needed mommy time. I chose the latter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jumping forward five years and adding another child to the
mix, I am still clinging to the two shows a day rule. But I added another hour
of “screen” time to accommodate the computer, iPad, Wii and other electronic
devices available to my children in our hyper-connected and screen-addicted
society. There are days, too, when I pretend I don’t notice that they have had
more than their fair share of screen time and they pretend they are still on
the first or second show…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this oasis of peace among the chaos comes with a price,
otherwise known as mommy guilt. I like it a little too much when they are
occupied with the TV and not bugging me. The truth is that I don’t think I
could parent without TV. When my temper snaps and I yank their most precious
commodity, the sacred TV time, I groan inwardly realizing that I will now have
to be a more active parent. TV affords me a chance to write for clients,
myself, or even just take part in some other luxury activities, like showering. I am cranky when I am not going to get my break or will be forced to sing "Love Is an Open Door" from Frozen with my three-year-old while trying to shave my legs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not to mention that by making TV have a limit, I have made
it the most desirable thing in the house. And honestly, I was trying to do
anything but that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kids are hyped up
and crazy about their TV time, planning their whole days around when they will
watch the next episode of Amazing Race or who gets to pick their show first.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s worse is that they don’t even know about social media
yet. Gulp.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So when my children come to me to tell me that they are
going to abandon their major in microbiology to pursue an acting career, I have
no one but myself to blame. I allowed them to watch Sponge Bob at the gym. I
was the one who decided that Power Rangers was acceptable programming for my
Kindergarten and First-Grade children. And I was the one that allowed my
youngest to watch Star Wars, A New Hope at the ripe old age of two. I guess I should
start saving now for his rehab. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose that as a mother, it is my job to mess my kids up.
The psychotherapy industry literally depends upon it. Besides what mother would
I be if I didn’t carry around a healthy dose of guilt?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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So I have done my part in created the drooling, screen
mesmerized zombies of the future that will demand more HD pixels in their
holograms and larger bandwidth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
day, I will teleport to their homes to find that they have transformed into the
amorphous, non-ambulatory humans depicted in Disney Pixar’s Walle and I will
have no one to blame but myself…and maybe the TV.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-48096022582945875452014-01-17T20:54:00.002-08:002014-06-11T11:38:52.523-07:00Bold Maid<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F2hyJ2EuLZY/UtoBumlfjQI/AAAAAAAAAZI/c8yNKh9PEF4/s1600/2014-01-17+20.17.05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F2hyJ2EuLZY/UtoBumlfjQI/AAAAAAAAAZI/c8yNKh9PEF4/s1600/2014-01-17+20.17.05.jpg" height="320" width="238" /></a></div>
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<i>"Nobody wants the old maid." -- sexist game makers, 2014</i></div>
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By Terri Lively</div>
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I am offended by the game "Old Maid." The object
of the card game is to not get stuck with the old lady holding a rolling pin…as
if this the most undesirable thing in the whole deck:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>an old, unmarried woman. It even says right
on the box in large type, “Nobody wants the old maid.” </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cJIoprHQFGI/UtoCdQdfeBI/AAAAAAAAAZk/Xb8lx70lebI/s1600/2014-01-17+20.18.10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cJIoprHQFGI/UtoCdQdfeBI/AAAAAAAAAZk/Xb8lx70lebI/s1600/2014-01-17+20.18.10.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a>This is a ridiculously
outdated concept and they, the designers of this offensive game, don't get any
points with me by making <b>the Doctor</b> a woman either. <o:p></o:p></div>
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There are other cards in the deck that could arguably be
worse. Maybe I'm a vegan...</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wD1k24nL7Bo/UtoCaZuCxxI/AAAAAAAAAZc/aPVK16br-Fs/s1600/2014-01-17+20.18.49.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wD1k24nL7Bo/UtoCaZuCxxI/AAAAAAAAAZc/aPVK16br-Fs/s1600/2014-01-17+20.18.49.jpg" height="149" width="200" /></a></div>
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In that case wouldn't <b>the Butcher</b> be the worst card?
Or <b>the Fisherman</b>? </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WEHXoEc-T3w/UtoCZwh-rCI/AAAAAAAAAZY/HS8G6UUhYHU/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WEHXoEc-T3w/UtoCZwh-rCI/AAAAAAAAAZY/HS8G6UUhYHU/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.10.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a></div>
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Maybe I don't like classical music, so wouldn't it be way
worse to have <b>the</b> <b>Conductor</b>? He'd be constantly humming melodies that you don't
know. In fact, the Old Maid would be really awesome to have on your side in
that case because she could bop him on the head with the rolling pin.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CHnZ70AwSjQ/UtoC-dx22MI/AAAAAAAAAZw/uoQzlmFQaQQ/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CHnZ70AwSjQ/UtoC-dx22MI/AAAAAAAAAZw/uoQzlmFQaQQ/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.26.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a><o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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<b>The Lumberjack</b>…well, him I might keep. <span style="text-align: right;">But that’s another
blog. Under a different nom de plume…</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DYKKENFeCfE/UtoC_Gc8SdI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/gIKdCBryMZ0/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.37.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DYKKENFeCfE/UtoC_Gc8SdI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/gIKdCBryMZ0/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.37.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a><b>The Magician</b> looks like a prick. I don't trust a man who has skinnier thighs than I have. Besides, I’ve seen the Pixar Short
Film <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Presto</i>. He probably has that
rabbit performing in indentured servitude. HE bankrolls from 6 shows a week in
a theatre in Vegas but the rabbit works for carrots. We don’t know if behind
closed doors he threatens the rabbit with an old wrinkled recipe spattered with
soup stains that used to be his grandmother’s signature dish…rabbit stew. Or
shows the rabbit the videos of the bunnies getting poked in the eye with
mascara. That rabbit’s mouth is smiling, but I can see…his eyes are crying.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LOENM1KHK9I/UtoDBh4hk_I/AAAAAAAAAZ8/06PpbkELLz4/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.49.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LOENM1KHK9I/UtoDBh4hk_I/AAAAAAAAAZ8/06PpbkELLz4/s1600/2014-01-17+20.19.49.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
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Don’t get me started on this<b> Artist</b>…what’s with the brush?
Clearly compensating. I may have him in my hand at the end of the game but if that brush says what I suspect it does, I didn't win much.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Besides, we don't know Old Maid’s backstory. Maybe she was
extremely desirable in her day, but she didn’t want anybody. What if she didn't
want to get married? What if she felt that she should keep her options open and
then decided she liked her life just like it was?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Plus we don’t know if getting married was even an option for
her. What if she is a lesbian and has a longtime companion that she couldn't
officially "marry" until recently? Or she still can’t because she
lives in a Red state? <o:p></o:p></div>
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I have to admit…I’m a little guilty here, too. I assumed
that she was wielding that rolling pin like a </div>
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F2hyJ2EuLZY/UtoBumlfjQI/AAAAAAAAAZM/JdwjnFMUEoU/s1600/2014-01-17+20.17.05.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-F2hyJ2EuLZY/UtoBumlfjQI/AAAAAAAAAZM/JdwjnFMUEoU/s1600/2014-01-17+20.17.05.jpg" height="200" width="149" /></a>weapon. But what if someone just
left it behind at the bake sale and she is trying to get their attention, so
she can return it to them, as in, “Yoo hoo! You left your rolling pin.” The set
of her jowls (thanks for that too, by the way game maker. Clearly we know where
you stand on a woman’s value when her elasticity is shot in her skin…probably
lost in the process of raising someone like you. Making him or her to believe
in their artistic talent and cheerleading him or her to achieve those dreams in
graphic design or animation, all while working two jobs and taking in laundry
from the neighborhood to buy ink for his or her pens…) indicates to me that she
is concerned about how that person is going to feel when they want to roll out
the dough next time and realize that they left the rolling pin at the bake
sale.<br />
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We would be lucky to have such a heroic, free-thinking woman
in our hand -- especially as it pertains to fashion and accessories. You just
don’t see Lennon glasses enough these days, particularly with coke bottle lenses.
We could learn from her and empower ourselves to be free from the expectations
of society. A woman's worth should not be assigned to her desire to marry. We should call her <b>Bold Maid.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I should lose this game on purpose now, just to make
my point. Plus she has a rolling pin in her hand in the picture so maybe she
likes to bake pies…clearly, that would make me the winner.</div>
<o:p></o:p>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12048812554630174114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6089825815618232665.post-73632323144484340852013-12-20T11:45:00.000-08:002014-10-01T15:35:49.017-07:00The Formula For Happiness <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y27mL_ebfFU/UrSdfgIAd0I/AAAAAAAAAXg/GMdKBd7oDXI/s1600/Formula+For+Happiness+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y27mL_ebfFU/UrSdfgIAd0I/AAAAAAAAAXg/GMdKBd7oDXI/s320/Formula+For+Happiness+photo.jpg" height="218" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Hint: It's not this complicated...</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By Terri Lively<br />
<br />
It seems that I have discovered the formula for happiness.
It became apparent to me when I was composing an email to a former neighbor of
mine. I figured I would share it with
all of you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dear
XX,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You
asked what the move has been like. But what can I say? Should I tell you that
moving has felt like both a good and bad move depending on the day? <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">There
are times when I wonder if we didn’t just make the worst move of our lives
coming up here, especially when I hear a couple of neighbors discuss bow-hunting
deer at my kid’s music assembly at school.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or when a mother tells me that my daughter can
join the 4H and raise chickens (!) and I literally call on every acting skill I
have ever learned not to show the look of incredulity in my eyes and the sinking
feeling of dismay that just gripped my stomach. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or
of course the times when I drive 30+ minutes up to Target.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I usually just do without because
seriously, who drives 30 minutes to get to Target?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And
let’s not forget the times when they have western wear day at school and my kid
has to go with a pink bandanna tied around her neck because that’s the only
thing that even resembles “western wear” in my home. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And
please don’t ask me where the Starbucks is because I will probably break down
and cry when I explain that it’s 40 miles away because
apparently the local coffee cartel doesn’t allow any corporate
coffee here. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">So
would I say that we are strangers in a strange land? Yes. Undoubtedly.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">But
there are the good days too. Like when the clouds are low and stretched across
the tops of the mountains like misty fingers, resembling earthen sentries for our town, standing guard over our
valley and protecting the families and grapes that grow here.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or
when my husband and I walk, practically in a straight line, to the winery where
we are members and get to go to the “wall of wine” resplendent with the best
of the Valley’s offerings for tastings, half-pours or full pours, after which
we walk back in a slightly less-straight line.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or
when the stars fill the sky at night in multitudes that I didn’t know were
possible before I moved here so far from the blare of city lights. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or
when you experience the absolute terror and thrill of feeding an ostrich.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or
looking out the window while I am driving through country that most people have
to come on vacation to see when I am simply on my way to the gym. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">There
are always pros and cons to everything. I guess the difference between being miserable
or happy where you are is to celebrate the pros and learn to live with the
cons. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">So
as an example, yes it’s a pain to have to plan a half-day trip just to go to
Costco but it’s also nice to take in the central coast’s spectacular drive along
the ocean on the way there, all grassy meadows that drop off into cliffs that
descend in jagged dark stone down into the churning surf below. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yes,
driving through Solvang at 10 miles an hour pretty much any time of day, any
time of the year really can cause me to pop a vein in my eye. But on the off
chance that the vein holds, it does give me a chance to enjoy the quaint
architecture of a town that looks like it belongs on a Christmas card. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">While
I am not a huge fan of Wranglers and boots on a man, I do like when he tips his cowboy (or should I say vaquero) hat toward me when he holds the door open as I
pass.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">So
my move here is good and bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like all
things it has its plusses and minuses. But since life is balance sheet of
plusses and minuses, the formula for happiness requires a focus on positives to
balance the negatives. So is it perfect here? No. But are we happy? Absolutely.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Love
to your family and Happy Holidays!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your
friend and neighbor,<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terri<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">P.S.
Be sure stop by if you are coming by here. We would love to show you around, especially
to feed the ostriches. Once you meet one up close and stare into its maniacal
eyes, you’ll never feel bad when you hear that a restaurant serves them on a
menu again.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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