By Terri Lively
On BlogHer.com I read a great article called, “10
Things Parents Shouldn’t Say to Non-Parents.” She writes that she loves her
dogs like kids and doesn’t understand why her friends don’t ever go out with
her anymore. She also gets a little judgmental about the punctuality of her
friends with kids.
I, like every other mother who read this, took offense to some
of these items. After that initial reaction had passed, however, I recognized a
little of my former self in her words. I started to write a long response to
her, which then turned into this post:
Dear Helene in
Between,
I read your
article last night, shivering on a towel at Movies In the Park that was showing
one of the worst kids movies of all time, “The Lego Movie,” which I have now
had the pleasure of seeing twice even though I have yet to see the Tom Cruise
movie that I really wanted to see that came out two months ago.
After I packed up
all our stuff, with one hand because my 3-year-old was asleep on my shoulder
and waited ten minutes to use a gross smelling park bathroom with my other two
kids still holding the sleeping toddler because they simply couldn’t wait until
we got home, although we would have been home already in the ten minutes we
waited, I was still thinking about it.
After I shuffled
the two awake children through a shortened version of the bedtime routine,
meaning teeth and potty (yes, again), trudged in to load the last of the dinner
dishes and set the dishwasher to wash because I had to hurry my dinner cleanup
routine so we didn’t miss a minute of the cinematic masterpiece in the park,
and moved a load of laundry over from the washer to the dryer so it would be
ready for me to fold at 6am, which is when for good or ill my children will
rise even on a Saturday, I was still thinking about it.
After rising at
6am and feeding cereal to my kids and caving in already about letting them have
the iPad even though I am HYPER aware of how much screen time they get and try
to put it off as long as possible, I decided I would respond.
I like your
article. I probably would have written this list, too, before I had kids. I do
remember how you feel. When your friends say you don’t understand, however, I
have to agree. We say that you don't understand because you don't, simply put.
But don't feel
bad. I didn't. Your friends didn't. Your own mother didn't.
That's probably a
good thing because the change is so transformational that it comes with a lot
of difficult emotions that many of us have a hard time processing (hence the
mommy blogs). I don't think I knew how much I would give up to be a mom before
I became one. It's not easy, especially when you have a pretty developed sense
of self as I did.
I had a friend at
work who was a man, and we decided to get our significant others together for
dinner. I met his wife, who was great, too, but quickly learned that all she
talked about was her kids. I thought, "Good grief! Don't you have anything
else to talk about?" Now I know that she might not have.
There is a line
you cross when you have kids where all of sudden you are not the most important
thing anymore. You take all the things that are important to you and put them
second to what your children need. In a lot of cases, you give up things
entirely.
And while it
sounds INSANE to you right now, your dogs whom you love dearly would get put up
for adoption if the doctor told you that your kid was having an allergic
reaction to them and was having trouble breathing.
I had a dog that I
loved like my kids. I took her on two walks a day. I bought her special,
expensive dog food. I read books on how to communicate with her. I paid
thousands of dollars to the Vet to take care of her hurt paw and poop issues. I
planned my vacations around where I could bring her along. When I couldn’t
bring her on trips for business, I missed her, and when I came home, I got
excited down in the pit of my stomach because I was going to see her again.
When I was
pregnant with my oldest child, people I knew told me that I would feel
different about my dog when I had kids. They told me that she would become a
dog. I smiled and laughed politely, but deep down inside I thought, “Maybe
that’s how it went with your dog, you heartless creeps, but I love my dog.”
After I had my
child, I forgot to feed my dog for two days.
I tell you this so
that you can have those same judgmental feelings that I had for my friends when
they told me stories like this. It’s important that you have them so that if
you do choose to have children down the road you will understand that you are
not a heartless creep for doing things like this. It’s just part and parcel of
the parenthood journey.
Before kids, I was
a lot less vulnerable and way more in control of my life. Now I have to push
the anxiety away daily that I am not doing this right, that I can't keep them
safe enough, or that I'm not living up to my responsibility to my children.
It's difficult to live a life with doubt and anxiety as your constant companion
but if you have read any of the aforementioned mommy blogs, then you understand
that they are every mothers constant companion.
You should know
that I also agree with you. Your friends do need to go out with you more. They
need to find a babysitter for the rare occasions when you don’t want children
at the event. It’s not only respectful of you, but it is critically important
to them.
It’s way too easy
to put ourselves second and never accept the invitations of our friends because
it’s a hassle for us. I would argue, however that these moments where we are
forced to be a person on our own instead of so-in-so’s mother remind us of the
women we used to be. She had many great qualities as well and sometimes we
really miss her. So it’s nice to see her again, even if it’s just for an
evening.
And it’s also nice
to let an f-bomb fly without an immediate guilty glance around for little
ears.
It’s important for you to know that when we say our lives were unfulfilling before
we had kids, it’s not a judgment of your life or choices. What we are trying to
tell you was that before we had kids we didn’t understand the absolutely
crushing, overwhelming, and humbling love that we feel for these little people
that we are charged with raising.
Not one mother I
know would hesitate to jump in front of a speeding car to push their child out
of the way or think twice about donating a kidney to save their life.
There are moments
in our day that are so heart-warming and pure that we tear up with joy—which
before I had kids was a rare occurrence unless I was at a musical.
But I also think
it's important for those of us with kids to remember how when we say these
things that we can come off as obnoxious. But I promise you that we don't mean
to be. We still love you and want to be your friend, even if you don’t
understand what it means to have kids.
Thanks for the
perspective today-
Terri
