Thanks for No Thanks

By Terri Lively

I have been trying to teach my kids to be polite, practically since they were born. We were teaching them the sign for Thank You before they could talk. When they could talk, we worked on the tough  “th” and “nk” sounds together so that others could understand their toddler-ese.

I have also been trying to teach myself not to lose my temper when even now, seven years later with the oldest child, I am still reminding him (and her, and the other him) to say thanks.

I shouldn’t be surprised at least not about Brenton. My oldest child is shy and cautious. He would rather die than talk to a stranger. Unfortunately, a stranger to him can be anyone outside of the immediate family at times. Even if he has known them since before he could walk. This reluctance to speak is, as anyone who knows me can attest, foreign to me.

My middle child is like me in that she never minds talking. Sometimes she just says words like “poop” in the middle of a sentence to get a laugh. But even she is unable to remember a well-placed thank you after someone does something or says something nice to her. Although of the three of them, she is by far the best with the thank you’s.

The baby who is just starting to talk gets a pass for now. He’s the youngest child so he doesn’t need manners. He just needs to stay cute so everyone doesn’t realize what a rude little turkey he can be.

So I wondered if maybe their reluctance to say thank you had anything to do with their parents. I reviewed whether Brenton and I were loath to use the words. But we aren’t. I would say we are most gracious recipients of compliments, services and/or gifts. We even send hand-written thank you notes to people. Sometimes...unless we forget.

We thank the UPS and Fedex guys when they drop stuff off at the door and literally dash back to the truck so quickly that we have to shout it down the walkway. But we still thank them.

We thank the people who tell us we have a beautiful family. We think (know) they are beautiful, but we are still pleased that other people notice.

We even thank people who have so much good advice for us. You know what they say about advice and opinions after all. (No…not that one, the other one about how you could never have too much helpful advice. You haven’t heard that one? I know…me neither. But we thank these helpful opinion- spouting people anyway since they apparently must have an extra orifice back there in the under-carriage so they have much bigger problems then not knowing when to keep their advice to themselves!)

But the kids…not so much. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small favor like picking up their dropped pencil or a big thing like a new bike. In fact, you could hand them a pass to Neverland where they would get to spend the night flying around on Captain Hook’s pirate ship, eating cookie dough and playing video games and you wouldn’t hear a peep of gratitude from them without my prompt.

I do have them write thank you notes. Sometimes ...unless we forget. They seem very willing to write it, by the way. It’s the saying of it that really seems to escape them.

The holidays are approaching however, and I am worried about how they will do in the family gift exchange. As they age, they begin to realize that all not gifts are created equal. Not everyone knows that they are seven (or five, or 20 months) and will get them a gift more suited to their younger sibling. Or something they already have. Or worst of all, something they don’t like. I fear the honest commentary that these realizations may launch in the unforgiving scrutiny of extended family.

But I have a plan. I am going to have present practice this year. We are going to wrap up items in the house and have them come up with something nice to say about the gift. And if they can’t think of anything, they can just say, “Thank You.” In fact, if they just say thank you in a convincing tone, then they will get bonus points.

I know that someday my kids will say thank you without a prompt from me. At least, I hope they will. I have had a couple of people tell me that my kids are extremely polite. But they have been around more than a couple people, and I have only heard that a couple of times…

When that day comes, I must remember not to faint. Or cry. Or make a joke about how that never happens in a stand-up comic, sardonic tone. But smile like I’ve been there before, enjoying the sound of the words I have worked so hard to get out of their cute little mouths.

I guess it’s not so bad to have to remind them. It’s not like I know any other kids who always says “Thank you.” Most moms are cajoling gratitude out of their little brood just like I am. I have a sing-songy way of chirping “What do we say?” after my kids miss their cue. I am certain that this exchange will show up in their blog someday as the punch line to their teen-aged angst-ridden rant on the hologram machine.

They are still little and working out how to be little grown ups. And as they hurtle toward adult hood at a pace that is alternately way too slow for my patience and way too fast for my heart, I need to remember that they are thankful even if they don’t use the words.

So on this Thanksgiving I give thanks for the lack of thanks in my life. For all the little ways that they still need me to help them, remind them and quite frankly nag them. Someday they will thank me with an email, a Hallmark card, or a crystal-powered holo-gram and I will feel pangs of regret for these days of no thanks.