Wednesday, February 8, 2017

My Life Writes Its Own Punchlines

I have said before and I will say it again: Sometimes life writes its own punchlines. Here are a few my life has written for me.

Son: Mom! She just called me a butthole.

Me: Did you just call your brother a butthole?”

Daughter: Yes.

Me: Where did you learn that word? Did you learn the word from [naughty kids whom I blame for her corruption]?”

Daughter: No. I already knew the word butthole. I learned it from him (pointing at brother). He was naked and he bent over and pointed at it and said, "See? This is my butthole."

Me: Awesome.


The bathroom door opens.

Son: Mom? Is Gollum's real name Smeagol?

Me: Yes. Now can mama please have a little privacy?

Son: Sure.

The bathroom door closes. 

The bathroom door opens again. 

Son: Mom? Where do we keep the privacy?


"If there is a boy dog puppy, you can legally say it's a son-of-a-bitch." 


While both admiring my Christmas mug.

Son: Who painted that?

Me: I don't know. I don't think it's hand painted.

A thoughtful pause ensues. 

Son: Is it foot-painted?


"When I am 20, I want to be a rockstar. When I am 30, I want to be a policeman. When I am 100, I want to be a giant."


Son: So, Mom, what did the scale say?

Me: Too much.

Son: 160?

Me: No.

Son: 165?

Me: No.

Son: 200, then?

Me: Please stop guessing.


"So, Mom? Did you see The Wizard of Oz when it first came out?"


Daughter:  The moon is God's eye looking at us.

Me: Does that mean when the moon is not out, He's not looking?

Daughter: No, He's just looking in France.


Enter an enterprising young woman at the nail salon for a long overdue pedicure.

Her: Eyebrow wax?

Me: Um...yeah, sure. Thanks!

Her: Do you want me to take care of the chin, too?


"Mommy, you smell like vanilla. Daddy, you smell like old man."


While tagging lollipops for Valentine's day for the class...

Daughter: The one that says "Yes!" is the best one to give to a boy."

Me: Go to your room. 

Daughter: What?! For how long?

Me: Until you are married.


Son: Mom? Do you lay an egg inside your tummy and it grows into a baby and then it hatches out?”

Me: --

Son: Mom? Do you?

Me: Yep.


Daughter: I feel bad for kids that are named Dick. 

Me: Oh?

Daughter: What's a dick?

Me:'s slang for penis. 

Daughter: WHAT? Now I feel worse for them.

Me: Then...why did you feel bad for them before?

Daughter: Because they were named after a whale. 


Son: "Mom? What did you do before TV was invented?"

Me:  I hunted dinosaurs.