Wednesday, February 8, 2017

My Life Writes Its Own Punchlines

I have said before and I will say it again: Sometimes life writes its own punchlines. Here are a few my life has written for me.



Son: Mom! She just called me a butthole.

Me: Did you just call your brother a butthole?”

Daughter: Yes.

Me: Where did you learn that word? Did you learn the word from [naughty kids whom I blame for her corruption]?”

Daughter: No. I already knew the word butthole. I learned it from him (pointing at brother). He was naked and he bent over and pointed at it and said, "See? This is my butthole."



Me: Awesome.


*****

The bathroom door opens.

Son: Mom? Is Gollum's real name Smeagol?


Me: Yes. Now can mama please have a little privacy?


Son: Sure.


The bathroom door closes. 


The bathroom door opens again. 


Son: Mom? Where do we keep the privacy?




*****

"If there is a boy dog puppy, you can legally say it's a son-of-a-bitch." 
Legally.

*****


While both admiring my Christmas mug.

Son: Who painted that?

Me: I don't know. I don't think it's hand painted.

A thoughtful pause ensues. 

Son: Is it foot-painted?

*****

"When I am 20, I want to be a rockstar. When I am 30, I want to be a policeman. When I am 100, I want to be a giant."

*****



Son: So, Mom, what did the scale say?

Me: Too much.

Son: 160?

Me: No.

Son: 165?

Me: No.

Son: 200, then?

Me: Please stop guessing.

*****

"So, Mom? Did you see The Wizard of Oz when it first came out?"


*****



Daughter:  The moon is God's eye looking at us.

Me: Does that mean when the moon is not out, He's not looking?

Daughter: No, He's just looking in France.


*****



Enter an enterprising young woman at the nail salon for a long overdue pedicure.

Her: Eyebrow wax?

Me: Um...yeah, sure. Thanks!

Her: Do you want me to take care of the chin, too?

*****

"Mommy, you smell like vanilla. Daddy, you smell like old man."


*****


While tagging lollipops for Valentine's day for the class...

Daughter: The one that says "Yes!" is the best one to give to a boy."

Me: Go to your room. 

Daughter: What?! For how long?

Me: Until you are married.

*****


Son: Mom? Do you lay an egg inside your tummy and it grows into a baby and then it hatches out?”

Me: --

Son: Mom? Do you?

Me: Yep.

*****


Daughter: I feel bad for kids that are named Dick. 

Me: Oh?

Daughter: What's a dick?

Me: Um...it's slang for penis. 

Daughter: WHAT? Now I feel worse for them.

Me: Then...why did you feel bad for them before?

Daughter: Because they were named after a whale. 

*****


Son: "Mom? What did you do before TV was invented?"

Me:  I hunted dinosaurs.