Saturday, December 17, 2016

33 Parenting Truths Learned over a Decade+ of Parenting



My oldest recently celebrated his 11th birthday.  This means that I have completed over a decade as a mom. I mention that because, let's not kid ourselves, it's really all about me. 


Some of you reading this might be at different parts of your parenting journey. In the spirit of sharing information, let's take a quick look at some of the parenting truths I have gained about mommyhood over this past decade:
  1. Parenting is one part love, and three parts not swearing in public.
  2. Small children don't know or care about being late, and warnings about being it are fruitless.
  3. When you sign a mandatory three-page waiver before your kids can go play somewhere, someone is coming home with a broken femur. 
  4. You have absolute power over the music in the car as long as you pick something your kids like. 
  5. Whoever decided a three-week-long winter break from school was reasonable should get coal in their stocking this year.
  6. Wearing anything white around your kids and expecting not to have to change within the hour is either idealistic or idiotic.
  7. Nothing good ever comes after a sentence that starts, "You said...."
  8. Drinking beer at Chuck-e-Cheese at 2 p.m. on a Saturday is not day drinking; it’s coping.
  9. Parenting opinions are like buttholes because everyone has one. Expressed opinions about someone else's parenting are like buttholes because when you do it, you are one.
  10. The human body has fluids that come in all odors, colors, and viscosities, which, at the end of any given day, you will find on your shirt. Or theirs. 
  11. If every once in a while your kids tell you they hate you because you are the meanest mom in the world, it means you're probably doing it right.  
  12. The five stages of negotiation with a toddler include Bargaining, Pleading, Threatening, Yelling (theirs) and Tears (yours).
  13. People that think pets are like kids are deluded.
  14. If you teach your small children the actual names for their genitalia, be prepared to hear them discussed loudly in a public restroom more than once.
  15. Free time is a resource more elusive than enriched uranium.
  16. If you have a job while you have small children, going to work is like going on vacation.
  17. If you work from home, you likely need a vacation.
  18. Binge-watching Netflix does not count as a vacation.
  19. Wearing dangling earrings around your toddler is like playing Russian Roulette with your earlobes.
  20. Car seat buckles were designed to break your spirit.
  21. If your phone/tablet/coffee table is cracked in two places, it's still like new.
  22. Pinterest can scroll forever with content that makes you feel inadequate.
  23. Old people that miss when their kids were little never felt the crusty bump of boogers on their iPad screen.
  24. You will string together the most ridiculous sentences ever uttered, such as, “Hey You two! I told you no mouth kissing.”
  25. You will always sniff brown sludge of indeterminate origin even though you know there is high probability it’s poop.
  26. Moms are glorified wait staff. And nobody tips.
  27. Christmas morning is not a joyous holiday; it's a deadline.
  28. Daylight savings time and summer vacation are two archaic societal conventions and that have outlived their usefulness and must be stopped.
  29. The tooth fairy is a witless, unreliable twit.
  30. The only thing a stay-at-home mom of small children wants for Mother's Day is not to see her children that day. At all.
  31. Whoever decided we should build a trap to catch the leprechaun that comes to your house on St. Patrick's Day deserves a swift kick in the shamrocks.
  32. Losing weight from breastfeeding is a myth; wearing maternity pants to your baby's first birthday party is the truth.
  33. One glass of wine is nice. Two is better. Three means you aren't going to sleep that night.


What would you add to the list? I'd love to hear your additions in the comments below. So I can steal them for my twitter feed.


No comments:

Post a Comment